Ask the Beaver

Q39: We had a fight - how do I know if he still likes me?

2006-03-26T16:56:00.000-05:00

Via Email:

I STARTED GOING OUT WITH THIS GUY AND ONE NIGHT I GOT REALLY JEALOUS AND PISSED OFF, AFTER THAT HE HASN'T TALKED TO ME OR ANSWERED MY PHONE CALLS. BUT I HE STILL HANGS OUT IN THE SAME PLACES I DO AND HE'S BEEN TOTALLY NOT ACTING LIKE HIMSELF, HE NOW DANCES AND SEEMS TO WANT TO BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY HE NEVER DID THAT BEFORE, HOW CAN I TELL IF HE STILL LIKES ME?
-OOPS

Hello!
He's probably pulling the "I don't like you, so I'm ignoring you" rigamarole. Or perhaps he's trying to make you even more jealous, and show that he doesn't need you. The best thing to do is to talk to him and ask him straight out what he wants to do. Be prepared for him to say that he doesn't like you anymore, but also be prepared for what you'd say, whether he wants to get back together or whether he wants to break up. It sounds like you two have had a fight, so decide if the relationship is something you want to salvage or keep going, in which case you probably should apologize to him, depending on what made you jealous or pissed-off. If it's not, then just ignore him right back, and don't worry about it.

You could also try talking to his friends, but that can often be misinterpreted, and seen as insecure and silly. A direct confrontation is probably the best/quickest/most honest way to go.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again. :)]

Q38: Which is better for a resume -- one page or two pages?

2006-03-12T23:41:00.000-05:00

Via AIM: [Screename has been substituted w/ a "Q" to protect the innocent.]

Q: holy crap! it's askthebeaver! hey! I got a question...
Q: I have this friend who has a 2-page resume
Q: "what!? are you smoking crack!?" I asked him
Q: but he said that his business writing professor (he goes to a different school) said that that was the way to go
Q: what do you have to say about it?
Q: I mean, I've always heard that it was supposed to be one page
Q: here's what he said: My Business Writing professor said more people with 2 page resumes get hired as opposed to 1 page

First off, I think it depends on what's on the resume. I've heard of people who have a bunch of info, so they split their resume into two pages -- the first page depicts "experience" and the back page shows a "Summary of Publications" or something along those lines.

In general, I've heard that companies like clear, succinct, concise, one-page kind of resumes that point out the important facets of the applicant. That way, when they're skimming through oodles of apps, the applicant can snag their attention with his major accomplishments.

Though your friend's business professor claims that people w/ two-page resumes get hired as opposed to one-page, I think that's due to the actual stuff the people have done, as opposed to the length of their resume.

I recommend taking the resume to a business counselor, or perhaps the Career Office, and have the professional people there look at his resume. Alternatively, make two versions of the resume -- a single-page one with significant accomplishments, and a two-page one with more details and experiences -- and ask companies (either at a career fair or at an interview) which one they'd prefer. Perhaps you and your friend should have a contest -- if you have a one-page resume and he's got a two-page resume, see which one of you gets into more jobs. Let us know the result! :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again. :)]

Q37: How can I help a friend who might be in a too-intense relationship?

2006-03-09T00:47:00.000-05:00

Hi Beavers,

I need advice on how to handle a situation with my friend. She's in a very serious relationship with a guy who I think is a little too intense. She's not doing well in school right now and has lost touch with her other friends because she spends all her time with him. I had started to think he was an ok guy, because she says he is really supportive of her, but now it seems like he's completely taking charge of her life. It might not be any of my business, but how can I tell her that I don't think she should be in such a serious relationship?
- Confused friend

From Beaver #1:
This is serious, so I'm just going to write something down real quick...

For me, I generally prefer a direct approach--she may not like what you have to say, but it sounds like you really should say it. Relationships in which one person is in complete control can quickly become abusive. Hopefully, that hasn't happened and won't happen, but either way, a relationship should not alter someone's life to the point where their future could be affected -- I'm particularly thinking about school here.

I'd say find a way to see her in a place where you both feel safe. Keep your cool, because she could get angry with you. It's also possible that she may need real help, especially if abuse has already started (emotional or otherwise). He may be threatening her, in the event that she leaves him. In this case, also be prepared to help her get the assistance she needs, possibly with mediating groups at your school, or more therapeutic groups in case she's depressed/anxious.

If things go well, you may just need to talk to her and help her realize that her relationship either needs to cool down or break off. But if things are more serious, be prepared (and possibly get other friends involved) to give her the help she might need.

At worst, she could shut you out completely. But it's better than never trying at all.

From Beaver#2:
If you don't think that it's gotten to the point of "possible abuse" yet, then you could try taking an exploratory approach, initially. First off, talking w/ your friend is key. Talk to her alone, tell her that you're there for her, and find out why she's letting this guy "run her life."

There is a possibility that you're worried over nothing -- quite a few people tend to "disappear" when they get into a relationship, especially if they haven't had a "serious relationship" before. However, if she's letting her academics slip, then you might want to find out exactly what kind of "support" her boyfriend is giving her. Be supportive, too. You could throw in a few lighthearted comments that she never spends time with you any more. Ask her about school, and tell her a few of the resources available. These can range from tutoring to extra credit projects, etc.

You could also talk to the boyfriend, or ask him to help her w/ her academics and such. Be VERY careful on that one -- if she's the jealous type, she might think that you're trying to steal him away, or that you're butting into her affairs. And whatever you tell him, he'll probably tell her. And you should definitely talk to her first before talking to him. When you talk to her, you could even suggest that she study more w/ her boyfriend. Then, if you run into him in the hall or something (I don't recommend writing him an email or seeking him out), then you could ask casually, "So... have you and [insert your friend's name here] been studying a lot lately? It's getting really busy for everyone. Maybe we should form a study group. Would you guys like to join?" Try to include her in more group activities, especially academic ones.

At MIT, if someone's failing their classes, he/she will receive an academic warning. If she's gotten one and refuses to do anything about it, you might want to talk with the Dean of Student Life, or perhaps one of the various academic or residential advisors on campus. They have more experience in dealing with sensitive or possibly harmful issues, and might also be able to give you more insight into the situation.

We wish you the best of luck, and we hope that your friend will be okay.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again.]

Q36: How do I snag a smart guy?

2006-03-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

Hey! I got this little bit of a problem. I like a smart guy. He's my senior by two years and I've been close to him for the past month. I've hinted at him that I kinda like him, and I've been asking him questions on my genetics lecture notes (he's a final year biology student doing a project on fish genetics, who always ace his exams, and I'm a second year biology student who still has no idea what to do for my own final year project, and I'm just an average student), even though I totally understand everything stated in the lecture notes. He didn't seem to get my hints and to tell you the truth, it's starting to drive me crazy.

I have no idea how to pursue him since he said he prefer Chinese girls over all other ethnic group. I've tried asking him out but, he declined me politely, telling me that he's too busy doing his project.

How do I pursue this smart guy? Is it similar with pursuing average guys?

Just another question, this is biology-related though (the subject, i.e.)

I'm supposed to be doing a final year project in two years' time, of which I've to make up my mind by next year so that I can plan on what to do. The trouble is, I just can't make up my mind whether I want to do field work or lab work.

I like doing field work since I like being in the rainforest, but I hate the heat and the fatigue of working in a rainforest, since I suffer from a controlled asthma which only attacks me when I'm feeling very tired and if I stay up until the odd hours in the morning. Meanwhile, though I am comfortable working in the lab, I don't really like it as much as I like field work, but somehow, due to my condition, almost all my lecturers discourage me from doing field work.

Please do give me some advice...

-Bio Babe

Here's what I'd say, without much editing done:

Although it's not true that all men are the same, well... they kind of are. Unfortunately, I have to say it means he is just as oblivious to any and all hints as any other guy. Sigh.

He's just got the added bit about being very driven academically. It's like asking if it's different to go after a sporty guy than an average guy, or a stylish guy. I think in some ways you're avoiding bigger problems by wondering if the issue is that he's "smart".

Now, I think you're on the right track trying to engage him intellectually since that seems to be his thing. But I think you're already selling yourself short by placing him in a higher place intellectually than you are. He may be bright, but he probably doesn't need you to tell him that, and if you're really interested in him, you're probably better off talking about some subject in which you are "equals". By always treating him as someone "superior" to yourself, it's not anything like the beginning of a relationship -- it's like he's your TA.

Heck, that conversation about your fieldwork... might you be able to ask him about that? Or your final year project? Something where his input really *would* be valuable.

I think things will become a lot easier for you once you stop thinking about him as someone who is so much smarter than you, and really think of him as just another human being. He has faults, flaws, and embarrassing stories just like the rest of us. Changing the way you think about him may really help you interact with him better.

That said, we come back to what I said before about hints. Guys don't do hints. Definitely not subtle ones, but even clear and obvious ones can pass them by. What confuses me, though, is that you said you've already asked him out and he's said no. I think that is far more important than him being "smart" or "oblivious", because here I come back to where I said you may be avoiding the bigger problems with these labels: you are probably more worried about the fact that he seems "uninterested".

Put aside, for now, the fact that he is a "smart guy", the fact that he prefers Chinese girls... these things are only going to make you more insecure and less likely to catch his attention. The first thing you need to do is ask your gut if he's really too busy to go out with you (in which case he may not be the most exciting catch anyway), or if he's trying to politely let you down. Either way, you're going to have to change his mind, whether it be about making time for you or considering you at all. And that's going to take confidence. So put aside anything that might make you feel defeated and put on your game face! The right woman can change a man's mind about race, religion, class, or any preconceived notions he may have about who would be right for him. And when she can't, all that means is that the guy probably isn't worth her effort anyway.

So this is my long, convoluted way of giving a little tough love and giving you the bottom line: no more excuses (he's too smart, he prefers other girls), no more games (asking him safe questions about genetics), just be yourself and treat him like you would any guy that you genuinely like. Show interest in things he likes (academic pursuits) and also make sure you get him thinking about your interests (field work in the rainforest must be cool!). And if he says no, it's probably not because you failed to find the appropriate snag-a-smart-dude technique. He might just not feel the same way.

Now, as for your field work... I say, stick to your passions. Do your best to find a way to do what you love, and you will be happier than settling for something comfortable but cold. Like Hannibal, you'll find a way, or you will make one.

Hope that helps!

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Q35: What to do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy?

2005-12-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

What do I do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy?
-in need of Prozzak

Hey, Prozzak--
(And, in case ya'll don't get that reference, listen to "INFATUATION" by Prozzak.)

First off, what do you mean by "infatuated"? Is it a crush that she just likes to giggle over? Or does she drop everything she's doing to go hang out w/ him? Does she like him better than you?

Why is she with you? What do you want from your relationship with her, and what does she want? If you've got a fun and not-so-serious or not-committed relationship, then is dating around permissible? Does she want to do stuff w/ this guy and not you? Why isn't she doing stuff with him, then? Are you her "security blanket"? If it's her crush or you, who would she pick? Talk this over with her.

From another beaver:
In the long run, if you really want to be with this girl:
Re-seduce the girl. If that doesn't work, dump her immediately. Otherwise, you're wasting your time. Infatuation can be conquered by romance, but if that doesn't work, then it's probably not just "infatuation." Every good relationship starts with a crush. Make her crush on you bigger than her crush on the other guy. Also, you could try cutting her loose and letting her go after the other guy. If it doesn't work and she comes crawling back to you, would you want her back? Or is there a good chance that she wouldn't crawl back? Decide what you want, from her and from you.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Happy Holidays, Everyone! :)

Q34: Should I wait for a long-distance relationship with a friend?

2005-12-22T14:32:00.000-05:00

Hi, I am a male and I just turned 22, and I have been talking to my friend who lives about 5 hours away from me and I really like her and we talk to each other everyday for about the past 3 months. We never go a day without talking to each, She tells me she likes talking to me and i like talking to her. We have talked numerous times about a relationship. But i'm confused because I asked her if she would want to be more serious but, she always says she needs to think about things. So I am just wondering what I should do? How long do I wait for her? I like everything about her, I think we make a perfect match, but if she's not interested, how do I know?
-Thanks

Howdy, "Thanks"!
I think my main advice here would be to get yourself involved in whatever she is "thinking" about. In relationships, there is rarely an instance where the "ball in is her court"--even though you shouldn't try to force her decision, it's always good to know what she's feeling and what is making her feel that way.

Long-distance relationships are hard--REALLY hard--and I've known of few that have worked. One thing in common among those that have worked, though, is open communication. It's hard enough to communicate while far away from each other; not being open about thoughts and emotions will only make it worse. So... Step 1 in this case, I think, is to really try and get at what she means by "thinking about things." Is she worried she'll be too busy? Is she concerned about losing the friendship if things get sour? Something like that would indicate that it's not about you or being interested in you -- instead, it indicates she's got practical concerns. but if by "thinking about things" she really means "thinking about you", then interest might really be an issue. Perhaps you can ask her what she's looking for in her next relationship, or if she wants one in the first place. Or you could ask what she thinks about you, and ask for openness.

If she doesn't want to talk about it, then maybe that's a sign that the long-distance thing could get ugly pretty quickly. That whole sharing-your-feelings bit, again. Be prepared to go either way, and think about what you'd do in either case. If you like her, decide why and how far you'd like to go with it. Why do YOU want a relationship? Do you honestly think it would work out? How much are you willing to sacrifice for the girl, and what would you do if she's not willing or ready for that yet? Would you want to sacrifice your friendship? Diving from a friendship into a relationship can be double-or-nothing: double the fun or getting nothing from a cold shoulder. Think of the various scenarios and different options for yourself in those scenarios.

For more advice, check out these entries:
Q1: I like my friend, but he just broke up with his g/f...how long should I wait?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q1-i-like-my-friend-but-he-just-broke.html)

Also: be careful. Many people use the "I like you, but..." as an excuse to say "no" politely. Let her call the shots if you want, but don't get your hopes up. And remember: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but gone too long and it may wander." Be cool, somewhat sweet, but not desperate or clingy. And if she doesn't start makin' the moves on you, move on. Or make her jealous. ;)

Q22: Does my coworker like me?
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Q33: Where Are The Boys?

2005-12-22T14:03:00.000-05:00

I'm a Junior at Wellesley College and I am distraught at the lack of opportunities to meet guys in the area (obviously). Granted, there are plenty of frat parties to attend, but I don't believe I'm going to find someone who I'm compatible with at a place like that. There's also the MatchUp but I've tried that, and I'd prefer to do it a different way. Any other suggestions?

-Tired of estrogen

Ah yes, a classic in the cahier de doleances of young single creatures everywhere: how to find that potential mate... or at least someone who isn't your roommate's younger sibling who is just visiting for family weekend and who, due to your 3-year monk-like hermitage in your ivory tower, is starting to look like a yummy prospect despite the fact he is not quite yet legal by Massachusetts standards. But I digress. (Tommy, if you're reading this, I LOVE YOU! We can make it work. I'll wait for you, honeybumpkins! See if your mom can drive you up after trombone practice. We can meet on the Quad...)

Ahem. Right. Point being, how does a fantastically single hetero-inclined girl attending an all-girls college meet a boy. Now lucky for you Miss Tired, you happen to be at Wellesley, and Wellesley happens to be not an hour from Ye Ole Boston, the breeding ground for crazed Red Sox fans and home to a bevy of colleges. I mean seriously, you can't fire a potato gun in any direction without breaking some stuffy prof's window or knocking a hot TA unconscious. Count your lucky stars you are not in the boondocks of Maine, my friend.

Now I'm not trying to be patronizing, I'm just trying to warm you up to the idea that meeting people is a lot easier than you think.

So, where to start?

You don't have to be a party-animal to have fun and meet other fun singles. Really it's all just about saying hello. If you see someone on the street who looks interesting... go say hi. Chances are, they won't think you're nuts, and they'll actually talk back. I've accosted and been accosted by people out in the open air in Boston, and it's not weird. It's kind of exhilarating, really. (I mean, except for the creepy guy on Newbury Street that yelled at me, "Once you go Asian, you never go Caucasian.") I had a friend meet someone on Beacon Street and then go on a subsequent date later that week. It's not unheard of.

Be honest. Be open. Don't, for the love of all that is right and sacred in this world, don't talk about the weather or try a cheesy pick-up line or get desperate. (No one likes the pungent stench of desperation. Have confidence, mate.) I'm not saying this is a guaranteed surefire way of finding your soulmate, but once you get over any and all embarrassment about approaching strangers, the more chances there are for you to meet people.

Still sound too vague or intimidating? Ok, well let's talk specific venues then. Specific, unpretentious venues where maybe you can meet some cool cats without having to scream your name over drunken fratboy revelry. This might sound inane, but hey ever considered joining a club? You're in college, so take advantage of everything college has to offer. I know for a fact there are a few joint MIT/Wellesley clubs (like Counterpoint *wink wink*) and there at least you'll meet people who share the same interests you do. And while I loathe to suggest utilizing classes as a means of dating, Wellesley does offer cross-registration with nearby coed universities, and the classroom is a good, organic way of meeting people... as long as you aren't taking the course just for your daily dose of testosterone. And, if you take a class because you're interested in it, you'll probably meet people who are interested in the same thing(s) you are. You might be able to meet someone while riding the bus between colleges; if you see someone cool, say "hi" -- especially if you're sitting next to him. Why bury your nose in Wuthering Heights when you could dazzle him with your smile? Or at least get to know someone who might know someone else who might know someone uber-cute?

You could also always snag a friend and just go to a meeting at MIT. Or Harvard. You could find friends via Facebook and tag along, or just call 'em up if you're in the area. If you like the exploratory role-playing type, try The Assassins Guild. Entertainment and miscellaneous fun with Club Z. Dancers in Dance Troupe. If you like sports, then join a sports team and get shipped to other colleges. Perhaps reconnect with old high school friends at said colleges and get to know their cute friends. You could go to performances, via DramaShop or the Shakespeare Ensemble or MTG or the various acapella groups and hobnob with the stars. You could even hang around the T-stop on a Friday night. I once "met" a guy who made a silly face at me from across the tracks. We had a great conversation until the T whisked him away... but it was a good connection, really.

If you're more into the bar or clubbing scene, you can try out the students in Harvard Square (Redline, Hong Kong, the surrounding area, etc) or Central Square along Mass Ave (Middlesex, Enormous Room, Miracle of Science, All Asia, etc) or Fenway or Government Center or Landsdowne St. Dress to Impress, and you'll probably make an impression. (Check the dresscode first so you don't dress inappropriately.) I've had guys come up to me and just strike up conversations, either at the bar or while dancing. Perhaps they give a card. If you catch someone's eye and smile, it's quite encouraging. Then ask the name, where they're from, what they study, etc.

Don't forget that there are always plenty of cultural events to attend all over Boston (things like concerts, art shows, performances, festivals, etc.). Check out your school newspaper, the Boston Phoenix, or the Arts & Entertainment section of the Boston Globe to get some ideas. Even if you don't meet anyone, at least you'll have a fun and interesting time. (Bored and standing in line for your favorite cabaret punk act at the Middle East? Why not chat it up with that handsome, pierced fellow behind you?) You can also check out citysearch.com.

As a final thought, don't give up on the online scene just yet. There's always OkCupid.Com and MySpace in addition to MatchUp. You can also send people messages on those Networking applications, like Friendster or TheFacebook.

Just remember, you're in the greater Boston metropolitan region, and the place is teeming with collegiate singles. Say hey; see what happens. Happy Hunting!

[Note: This was a joint posting between "Marsupials Unite!" and "Beavers, Inc." If this entry didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Q32: Is it toxic to have a threesome in a committed relationship?

2005-11-10T12:35:00.000-05:00

Is it wrong to have a threesome in a committed relationship, it it toxic?
-Curious and Committed

Hello!
Honestly, it depends on why you want to have a threesome in the first place. Is your girlfriend (or boyfriend) not satisfying you? Are you satisfying her? Are you just curious? Have you talked to her about it?

Generally, the negative emotions from having a threesome arise from jealousy. Your significant other will probably wonder why you want a threesome, if the third person is better than she is, if you'll leave her for that third person. If you truly trust your girlfriend, and if she truly trusts you, and you're both just curious about it, make sure that you iron out all the details beforehand. Set rules. "Don't do it in this position -- that's our special position." Or "Don't call her ever again." Or "If I want out, then we stop right then and there." You also have to consider the third person's feelings. Why should he or she hook up with you both? Are you and your girlfriend going to be fine watching each other have sex with another person? Or even just make out? The third person can leave after one time, but you'll have to deal with repercussions and memories and whether it was good or bad or not.

Also, if you are curious, then what makes you sure that you want to be in a committed relationship? If your significant other doesn't want to do it, and you push for it, then this difference or distrust could warp your relationship into something different. Don't pressure each other into doing something you don't want to do. Define what you mean by commitment and what you both expect from each other. Weigh the pro's and con's -- is experiencing a threesome worth the hassle or the changes that would happen in your current relationship? Is your relationship worth keeping? Could either of you look at each other in the same way afterwards?

From yet another beaver: It depends -- if we were just dating and the relationship was mostly physical, then sure -- I'd try it. I think that having two people in the room might be better, though -- that way, no one gets left out.

From another beaver: Personally, I'd kill any other guy who stuck his penis in my girlfriend.

From one more beaver: OK, the thing with threesomes is that you need a mutual attraction to the person you want a threesome with. The whole threesome idea has to be a mutual decision. You also have to read your partner well: Will he/she be very upset at the idea of "sharing" you? Or maybe they'll be excited, or relieved? It's all a matter of personal choice. My guess is that if you have to ask us if it's toxic or not, then it's probably not a good idea. In this situation, it's better if you only go for it if you're COMPLETELY sure.

We hope that helps! Let us know if you've got more questions.

...Sorry for the late reply, by the way -- we've been out of town, so there's a huge backlog of messages.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q31: Dating tips? Looking for success...

2005-11-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

Hello -
I'm a gay guy. I go on tons of dates, but I don't really seem to be having much luck. Any advice?
-Queen of Bums

Hey, Queen --
Depends on the "luck" you're looking for, really. We're going to use "they" b/c these suggestions could work for guys or girls. Here are a few general pointers for getting to know people and/or getting them interested in you:

1. To get to know a person, just start talking to them. Ask, "What do you like to do for fun?" or "What fun things are there to do around this city?" If they recommend something that you like, then ask for more information about it: "Could you send me an email about that?" or "Can I get your number so I can ask for more information later?" or "Would you let me know the next time you go?" You can also use the common-interests card to arrange for a second date.

2. If you're picking up a girl or guy in a bar, saying "I want to dance with you" usually makes 'em feel flattered. If they're interested, they'll probably say "yes." (Especially if you're cute.) And you can also say, "Come dance with us," and drag them over to your group of friends. Or meld groups together and get to know even more people.

3. You're a great catch. Know your own good attributes and be comfortable talking about them. If you're good at salsa dancing, then take the person out salsa dancing, or recommend places to go, or talk about your experiences/funny stories/beginner's mistakes. If you're smart, then talk about your research, your job, what you're interested in, or what you want to do. If you're a sexpot, introduce that into the conversation. Don't be arrogant -- that can often be a turn-off. If you're really good at something, it's okay to be somewhat cheeky or cocky about it, but don't come off as a snob -- instead, be more teasing or just plain confident.

4. Don't be afraid to tease. It's a form of flirting, and lets the person know that you're paying attention to them. If you do make fun of someone, follow it up w/ a compliment. Some common things to tease about: height (if they're tall, you can follow it up w/ "it must be great to be able to reach things..." or "Can you get that [thing on a high shelf] for me? Oh, I'm so glad you're tall..."), race (careful on this one; Asians tend to be open about being Asian, and you can usually tease white boyz about All-American stereotypes, esp if they conformed to the stereotypes, but some people can be picky about cultural identity). And tease kindly, so they know that you're just having fun, not making fun of them.

5. Ask questions. About the past (high school, college, family/siblings), present (stuff they do, stuff they like to have fun with, people they know), future (what they want to do w/ their lives, where they see themselves in 10 years, what they're doing to achieve their goals). Travels: where they've been, how it's different, where they want to go. Food: what types they like, what they don't like. Movies. Entertainment -- dancing, reading, movies, cooking, drinking, outdoorsy stuff like hiking or rock climbing. Comfort levels -- what they're comfy or not comfy with, in terms of relationships or touching or PDAs. What they find attractive, versus what turns them off. Find things you've got in common and things you don't have in common.

6. Depending on how comfy you are, you could open up a dialogue about the date itself. How it's going, how it compares to other dates, what the other person looks for in another person, what horror stories they've had. Determine what they find attractive versus what they don't, in general. Note: If the person says that he really doesn't like a particular thing, then avoid that particular thing.

7. Jokes! They tend to showcase your humor, and help you find similarly-humored fellows. Nerdy pick-up lines are great for the smarter crowd; see http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q5-pick-up-lines_20.html for some ideas. Compare pick-up lines and stories and success rates. Usually, witty and quippy jokes work better than lewd or vulgar, at least for a first date. Depends on the company, though, of course. :)

8. Alcohol. Don't be a lush, but feel free to loosen the tongue and inhibitions a bit w/ a few light drinks. If you say something offkey, then you can always blame the OH groups. Ask what their favorite drinks are. Buy them something, either your favorite or theirs.

9. Take in your surroundings. Especially if you run out of things to say. Comment on something around you, but put a twist on it that makes it different, new, refreshing. Many people who go on dates are tired of the same ol', same ol'. So be different. Not uber zany or just weird, but be as original as possible. Make a unique first impression.

10. Be polite or civil. Hold open doors. Offer to pick them up. Don't be late. Listen. Don't interrupt. Dress well; no scrubbiness unless you're going to a place where you'll get scrubby, like painting or paintball or working out. Don't overstylize, and certainly don't overdo the cologne or aftershave. Also, the person who initiated/asked for the date generally does the paying.

11. If all signals point to "yes," then go for a kiss. If you talked about what your date expects from dates, you can lead into the kissing or not kissing. You might want to refer to some of our flirting-without-really-flirting techniques entries, also.

Link to previous questions and answers:
http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/links-to-questions-and-answers.html

Q10: We're friends... but I think I want more. What should I do? http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/02/q10-were-friends-but-i-think-i-want.html

Q11: I like this guy... what do I do next? http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/02/q11-i-like-this-guy-what-do-i-do-next.html

Q22: Does my co-worker like me?
http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/08/q22-does-my-co-worker-like-me.html

Q24: There's this guy in my French class... http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/08/q24-theres-this-guy-in-my-french-class.html

Hope that helps!!! Let us know of your success or unsuccess. :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q30: Is it a UTI or something else?

2005-11-08T16:55:00.000-05:00

I have a question that im hoping maybe you can help me.I have a very bad problem.I thought I had a UTI so I took the pills and the cream and all that it seemed to help the buring when I went to the bathroom,but it came back and now I itch in my genital area very bad and I leak like fluid and It has an odor so I have poweder .Do you think you could maybe tell me what you think this is.And If I sould be seen.I called a fewe places but I cant be seen because I dont have insurance and I dont know what to do becasue its very uncomfortalbe.PLEASE HELP

Hello!
You should definitely see a doctor, especially if you took various pills and the burning still came back. You might actually have an STD. To get a broad overview of symptoms, check out http://www.webmd.com/

These particular sites might help:
http://www.webmd.com/medical_information/check_symptoms/default.htm?z=1727_00000_1110_dp_03
http://www.webmd.com/hw/parenting_news/hw89153.asp
http://www.webmd.com/content/pages/13/79963

You might also have gonorrhea.
http://www.cdc.gov/std/Gonorrhea/STDFact-gonorrhea.htm#symptoms

In women, the symptoms of gonorrhea are often mild, but most women who are infected have no symptoms. Even when a woman has symptoms, they can be so non-specific as to be mistaken for a bladder or vaginal infection. The initial symptoms and signs in women include a painful or burning sensation when urinating, increased vaginal discharge, or vaginal bleeding between periods. Women with gonorrhea are at risk of developing serious complications from the infection, regardless of the presence or severity of symptoms.

That said, the leaking and the itching could be anything, depending on the fluid. Where are you? You might be able to go to an Emergency Room. How did you get the pills? Usually, to treat a UTI or gonorrhea, you need antibiotics, which you can usually only get through a prescription. We're not doctors over here, so we can't recommend particular treatments.

See a doctor; you should get tested as quickly as possible so the doctors can treat you. In the meantime, drink plenty of water and fluids, especially cranberry juice. These fluids will help flush out your system.

We hope that helps ... Good luck!!!

...Also, we've got a large backlog of questions, but we'll try to answer them ASAP!!

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q29: Noncommittal boyfriend chooses friends over me.

2005-10-17T17:57:00.000-04:00

I have been friends with my boyfriend for awhile. We just started dating we have been together for four months. On the weekends I can never get him to make plans. He feels like he has to be spontanus. He goes out with who ever suggests the best thing to do. I’m totally irrated. I feel like hes always going to chose his friends over me. Also he tells me he loves me but how can he be like that to me. I will try and make plans. He tells me he doesn’t know what he is doing if something better pops up he does that. What should I do ? I don’t want to dump him should I ?
Thanks
-Committed, but He's Not

Hello, CbHN,

Obviously, the boy you're writing about is a little less mature than you, and it seems like he's flip-flopping between feelings for you. You're right, saying "I love you" is a big deal, and chances are, four months is not really a sufficient amount of time to determine whether you truly "love" someone. However, judging by the way he sounds, maybe he's one of those guys that just says "I love you" to whomever he's dating? I think that's more probable, unless he's said upfront, "I'm in love with you. I love you." If it's just casual, "I love you, bye!," then chances are he doesn't mean it like you're thinking.

So. Back to your question. Should you dump this guy?

I say that you hold your proverbial horses and mull over it, and definitely talk to him about it. Don't let him just blow you off. Sit him down, and explain to him that you feel like you're getting blown off. As a general rule of courtesy, a girlfriend is never supposed to be second-string when it comes to weekend plans. You know this, and I know this, but does he know this? Talk. Explain how you feel to him. And if his answer doesn't seem satisfactory to you, or if he just keeps on going like he's going, then yes, maybe you should put some serious thought into whether or not you want a relationship with this guy. After all, you said you were close friends with him before; so maybe you guys work better as friends. That's not a big deal, and it's not the end of the world, or the end of your contact with him. You can still be good friends; you just wouldn't have to put up with him acting as a slightly immature boyfriend. :)

Also, in the beginning, people tend to rely on their friends. After all, a relationship is double-or-nothing, and though you can become really close to someone while you're dating him, if you break up, then he usually fades out of your life. For some people, their friends are reliable, part of a defense mechanism.

(Written by a Beaver-in-Training.)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q28: Older woman w/ coworker - what to do?

2005-10-16T17:49:00.000-04:00

Help???

I hooked up with a co-worker after too many drinks at the Christmas party last year. It was a night of wild sex fueled by alcohol. We both agreed that no one in the office would find out. Cool, his gf and my bf both live across the country. We have always been good friends in the office and have lots in common. His gf has since broken up with him and I see my bf every couple of months. Everything has been cool for the past 9 months until a week ago. We were both on im and started chatting late at night. It lead to some teasing and the next night I ended up and his place. Once again a fabulous night filled with great sex over and over again. The following night he text messaged me and I ended up at his place again and ended up spending the night. It was awesome, the sex was mind blowing and it was wonderful falling asleep in his arms and waking up and starting all over again.

Here's my dilemma I am a 40 something divorcee with a child and he is 30. Since our wild weekend I can't stop thinking about him. I keep comparing him to my bf and thinking what a great relationship we could have. In the office everything is normal between us but since our "weekend" we have cybered and this weekend I kept im'ng him hoping that I might get another invite over. Unfortunately it didn't happen! He went out with the boys! He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about the night of the Christmas party and that "I was the best he has ever had" at 40ish I am not naive but after being married for over 15 years I have no clue about hooking up. He said that it was just two people getting together and sharing what we are both missing and needing. Again the weekend we just spent together he kept telling me how much better it was with an older woman than with young women with hang ups. Have I been played? What if anything should I do or say to him. Should I d!are let him know that I would be interested in furthering the sex sessions.

As for my bf he is also younger than me and I have feelings for him but the distance and his financial situation just don't do it for me.

Signed
Confused and Out of the Loop

Hello, Confused and Out of the Loop!

Well, we think the main problem here is that you really aren't technically "eligible" for dumping OR keeping on with the hot sex, unless your BF and you have an open relationship. Sounds like you don't, but we're going to give you the benefit of the doubt and just go with the "I have an open relationship" advice.

Well, first things first, you're an older woman, and he's a younger guy. It's only natural that he's going to throw that at you, hopefully in a beneficial way. However, keep in mind that the age difference DOES mean that he could be a little less mature, and probably a bit more brash and spontaneous in his decisions than you'd expect. Also, going from his viewpoint on the whole thing, the "casual sex" doesn't sound like you two really have an established relationship. You've also got a kid, so maybe he's not really ready to start any kind of relationship (no matter how steamy the sex) with a single mom. Which is probably not because he doesn't like kids, but it's more like he's probably scared of the idea of getting too involved and becoming an instant father. I'm not quite sure how probable that situation is, but the fact is, it's a possibility, and even the possibility of that can be pretty darn terrifying. So talk to him about that.

Also, there's his line about "casual sex and two people just being needy." He's obviously trying to downplay what you did, and clearly, he doesn't see any involvement other than what you guys already have done. From the sounds of it, he hasn't asked you out on a date, and while casual sex can be fun, it doesn't really constitute a substantial base for a relationship.

Truth to tell, he probably isn't interested in you as much as you're interested in him. He probably enjoys the sex (how could he not?) but I'm a bit suspicious: the casual sex might be really all he wants from you. If you want to give that to him, that's great... but if you want any sort of commitment, just back off. Also, even if you don't want your officemates to know, then having a relationship might alert them to the fact that you're getting together.

Also, there's the issue of your current, long-distance boyfriend. It sounds like you're acting single when he's not there, and it sounds like he's not there for the majority of the time. If the distance is really a hindrance, then maybe you should talk with him about how well you work. Keep in mind, the fact that you have a boyfriend could also be the reason why the Younger Coworker doesn't want to start anything with you. Most guys that I've talked to have said that the idea of helping a woman cheat on her man isn't exactly their cup of tea; Maybe this guy feels the same way.

Good luck!

(Written by a Beaver-in-Training. Our apologies for the ridiculously long time between the question and the answer.)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q27: He flirted with her to make me jealous - should I trust him?

2005-09-03T16:18:00.000-04:00

Via Email: "How can I tell what he's really thinking?"

I've been kinda seeing this guy, but the other night I accidentally made him jealous by talking with another friend of his. I assured him that nothing's going on, but when he got jealous he started flirting with my friend. He apologized and tells me that he just did it to make me jealous.because he was hurt. I'm worried that maybe he does like her, he says he doesn't, but how can I be sure. Should I be worried, or just let it go and forget about it?
-To Believe or Not To Believe?

Howdy!
First off, it looks like you and your guy have a few trust issues. What do you mean by "kinda seeing"? Are you two dating? Are you two committed? Perhaps you should get that ironed out so you can figure out what each of you expects from the other. If you are committed, or in an "official" relationship, then he has no business flirting with your friend. If you aren't committed, then there aren't any set rules, and you two should talk about your expectations so that no one gets hurt.

Is he really possessive? If you were just talking, then make sure that he knows that, and that you wouldn't flirt with his friends, especially since you're seeing him. And what sort of guy messes with feelings like that? If he's so casual about flirting with your friend at your expense, then maybe he doesn't care about hurting you, or maybe he cares about himself too much, or maybe he doesn't trust you completely. You should definitely talk about this. If you don't believe him, then there might be a reason that you don't believe him. If he does flirt with your friend again, call him on it. If he keeps flirting with your friend, maybe he does like her. If he's just polite, and lavishes more attention on you, then he's probably telling the truth.

Depending on how close you are to your friend, you can talk with her about it, too. If they interact again, you could ask her if she thinks that he was flirting with her. If she says, "yes," then maybe you should talk to him about his manner of interacting with girls, specifically your friend.

Some signs that he's still flirting: he touches her when he speaks to her, he seeks her out in a room and pays special attention to her, he talks about her a lot to his friends, he asks about her, he doesn't speak as much about you, etc. You're "kinda seeing" him, so I'm guessing that he showed you signs of liking you. If he's showing those signs to someone else, then he probably likes her. If he doesn't, then you're probably safe. Some other "man signs" can be found on these sites: Links2Love: Him; iVillage.

That said, be honest, too -- were you really just "talking" with his friend, or were you flirting with that friend? If you really just were talking, then tell him that you weren't flirting. If you're officially boyfriend and girlfriend, then you two shouldn't have to worry about making the other person jealous. Trust is the major basis of a relationship. Without trust, you won't have a good relationship. Don't give him a reason to doubt your end of the relationship, either.

In short, talk to him about your relationship. If you really like him and you think he likes you, then go for it. If he gives you further reasons to doubt him, then you have to decide whether he's worth the trouble. But if you're in a relationship now, then you probably should trust him. Talk about what you expect from each other, and try to meet each other's expectations.

Also, some "Signs That She's Flirting" tips that might tell him that you're flirting with his friend can be found on AskMen.com;
There's also Links2Love: Her. To avoid flirting with his friend(s), avoid sending these signals.

"Signs That He's Flirting": Links2Love: Him; iVillage.

For guys and girls: Lover's Guide.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q26: Under pressure to find a boyfriend -- should I?

2005-09-03T15:43:00.000-04:00

Via Email:

Hey I heard about your advice blog from my mate who has problems about her crush on her French classmate.

I'm a 20-yr-old girl, and I used to have a good relationship with a 26-yr-old guy, which ended mutually, yet, horribly a few months ago. Mutual, because both of us know we don't love each other, horrible, because he won't let me go due to the fact that we made a promise to his mom not to let me go, we fought about it, but at last, we came to a hanging point where we say, if we are meant for each other, then we'll get back together. I feel good when being single, as I don't have to think about the other person's hang ups, and as I am an independant girl, I can do things without consulting other people, and yet, at the same time, I feel alone and lonely oftimes
nowadays.

I can't get myself to really like a guy, no matter how good looking they are. I'd say, yea, he's good looking and cute, I may have a crush on that person, but, as soon as I know him and he became my friend, that's it, the feelings dissolved, and when I really like them, I really like those 'untouchable' ones, where they have a steady girlfriend or are gay, or doesn't fall into the category that my family approves of. Whenever they fall into those 'untouchable' categories, it's very hard for me to forget my feelings for them. The category my family approve is a devout Muslim and as a Brunei citizen (I'm Bruneian and live in this small country called Brunei somewhere in Asia). The problem with that prerequisite is, the guy that I kinda like, is not a citizen, Chinese and is a devout Catholic, to make matters worse, we are separated by the South China Sea, he lives in Malaysia, while I live in Brunei.

Lately, I felt more lonely than ever when I heard from my best mate that my ex has just gotten engaged a few days ago. I knew it's a true story, because my best mate is my ex's first cousin, and naturally got invited to the engagement party. My ex still sms me once in a while, but he never tells me about his engagement, and though I feel like asking him about it, I always didn't do so, because I don't want him to feel that I'm pining for him.

Now that he's engaged, my mom's been pushing me to find a boyfriend, fast. The reason: she doesn't want others to say that I'm still pining over my ex, and to show to people that I can find somebody new. It also hurts me when people compared me with the fiancee, they say she is a pretty, old girl but sophisticated, and totally suit him. It makes me feel ugly and not classy, no matter how many times the Catholic boy assures me that I'm this really beautiful girl that he likes.

I'm not sure what I should do. Should I pursue the Catholic boy, even if my parents won't like it, or should I find a boy that my parents approve of? And even if I like this Catholic boy, I'm not sure if I really like him, because I was afraid that, the only reason why I like him is because I don't want to feel lonely.
-Under Pressure To Find a Boyfriend

Hello!

We're sorry that we're getting back to you so late -- the people who work on this site are all out of town, and it's really tough for us to reply quickly these days.

The overall tone of your email seems to be focused on loneliness and your worry of other people's perceptions. If you truly like being single and independent, then just be single and independent. It's pretty easy to feel lonely when you're single, but only if you let yourself feel lonely. Instead, feel free. Don't give that up unless you honestly feel like someone's worth being with.

You mention that your mother's pressuring you to find a boyfriend, but that the only guy who likes you now is Catholic. If your mother won't approve of the Catholic guy anyway, then would that really be fulfilling her wishes? If you honestly like the guy, then you have to decide for yourself if he's worth it. If you're really worried about the parental approval, then ask your mother first, especially since she's the one pushing you to find a boyfriend. But if your only reason for dating a guy is to boost your pride, then don't date him -- both you and the guy deserve more than that. And long-distance is a tough relationship to handle, gal -- it's a lot of work, so make sure it's 'worth it' to you before jumping into one.

Also, make sure that this craving for "untouchables" isn't springing from your loneliness -- it might be a Freudian thing where you really like being single, but society is dictating that you should get a boyfriend, so by liking an untouchable, your mind is both conforming with and rebelling against society. Sure, you still like guys, but the guys that you like aren't what society really wants. That might be a little too psychoanalytical, though -- make sure that you don't like these guys just b/c they're "Something Different" or just because they seem exciting or just because you're not supposed to have them. That really isn't a good basis for a relationship, either. Examine your feelings -- why do you like him? Because he's different? Because he's cute? Because he's telling you that he thinks you're beautiful? Before entering into a relationship, you have to believe that you're beautiful first -- don't rely on other people to boost your own self-confidence. Make the most of yourself while being single and independent, and only get into a relationship if you feel that the guy's worth being with. Remember, too, that any guy that you date has the potential of becoming the guy with whom you'll spend the rest of your life with. If there are aspects of a guy that your family doesn't approve of, then examine those issues and either work them out or figure out if the guy's worth your time.

That said, if you find a guy that you truly like, go for it. And if you're not pining for your ex, then I'd also suggest congratulating him on his engagement, perhaps via SMS Texting, if that's how you two communicate nowadays. If you're feeling particularly confrontational, you could tell your ex that you're disappointed that you found out about something that important from your friend, that you aren't pining for him, and that you're truly happy that he's found someone that he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. And by the way -- just because one girl is older or "sophisticated" doesn't mean that you're not beautiful. It seems that you two had various reasons for breaking up, and there's no reason to pine for each other now.

This might actually be irrelevant advice now; you might already be dating the Catholic boy, or you might have already moved on. In general, examine your own feelings. If you're feeling analytical, make a list of pro's and con's -- compare being single to being with a guy that you like, and get a feel for which items on that list mean more to you.

Thanks for writing, by the way. Again, we're sorry for the long delay in response time. we hope this helps/helped a little bit, but feel free to write again if you'd like more advice, or to let us know how it all turned out.

Q25: STDs

2005-09-03T15:21:00.000-04:00

This post is a little unusual: We had a reader email us about Q18: We just said "I Love You" -- what about sex? This particular comment is about STDs. We've added our own comments/additional information, as well.

Your answer to the woman seeking thought points on her virginity was excellent. You taught me a few things I did not know.

There are several points about STDs you didn't mention, that are important.

* Not all STDs can be tested for.

That's definitely correct. Some STDs, like Herpes simplex virus (HSV), as actually asymptomatic. Symptoms include sores, ulcers, and blisters on any part that's infected, usually on the genital area. You can also get either HSV2 (the type of virus that affects the genital area) or HSV1 (the type of virus that gives people cold sores) on your genital area and/or around your mouth. So oral sex can transmit either type of this virus. Herpes actually has infected about 1/4 men and 1/5 women.

* Some STDs need an incubation period before a test will show that a person is infected. Including HIV/AIDS. The period can be up to 6 months.

This is very true. For HIV/AIDS in particular, after being tested once, you should go back after about six months and be tested again. Syphillis should also be tested for -- if it's left untreated for too long, it can develop into neurosyphillis, which affects your nerve cells.

* STD tests can have false negatives - indication no infection when a person does have a STD and can infect others. Testing by two health providers that use different labs lower the likelihood.

* STD tests can also have false positives - indicating infection where there is none.

You can never be too cautious, really. You should be tested after every new sexual partner. The sooner you're tested, the faster you can be treated.

To see various state facts about STDs, visit Kaiser StateHealthFacts. Info for Massachusetts can be found at: Massachusetts: Sexually-Transmitted Diseases. A pretty good article about basic STD facts can be found via WebMD: STDs. WebMD also has a Symptom Guide. You can also check out ObGyn: STDs/Women. A somewhat larger database about STDs, medicine, symptoms, etc, can be found at myDNA.com.

That said, be careful, people.

Q24: There's this guy in my French class...

2005-08-21T21:16:00.000-04:00

(Via Email):

Hey,
There's this guy that I kinda like in my French class. He's really cute and sweet, and love to speak French with me even outside class, and he imitates the French accent in a cute manner that I like.

My friends say that its obvious I like him, and told me to openly tell him about it, but the trouble with this guy is, he treats all girls that way, giving signals that he likes them... he gave me this big grin every time I see him, and he did that to all others, he openly flirt with me, and he also did that to other girls. One of my friends got rejected by him when she confessed to him that she liked him 2 years ago, and I don't want him to reject me just as he rejected her, and even today, the both of them look so awkward to each other. I don't want to lose his friendship, because he's a really nice guy who can practically light my day up.

I'm so confused. Some friends urge me to confess, while some warns me not to. I don't
really know what to do.

-To French or not to French?

Bonjour, Frenchie!
So -- It sounds like this guy is a charmer. Not necessarily a "player", but it seems that he knows how to deal w/ women. Therefore, if he wants you, he'll probably know how to ask you out, especially if you're responding in a positive fashion. (Of course, this also depends on how many relationships he's had, how well they've gone, and how commitment-phobic he is.) If he grins at you w/o hesitation and he does nice things for you, he probably likes you or cares about you, at least as a friend. However, since he does this to many gals, he might not necessarily want to be tied down to one girl. Is there a pattern in the girls that he flirts with in class? (For example, if they're all Asian, then he might have an Asian fetish, and that's why he's flirting. You could call him on that, but make sure you're teasing and not accusatory.)

If you're really worried about getting rejected, then don't confront him about it. (Chances are that if you have some bits of doubt, then they must be based on something.) Also, if your friend's fine w/ talking about her rejection, you might want to ask her exactly how she did it, exactly what he said, and what exactly happened. Then try not to do any of her mistakes. (Though to be fair, if he didn't like her, then the "not liking" might've been the only thing that led to the rejection.)

From the traditionalist point of view, the guy should ask you out. It's safer for girls that way. A friend of mine blogged about it. Among other things, she pointed out that:
-->A guy enjoys the chase; if he likes you and chases after you, then you'll be deemed chase-worthy. If you make it too easy for him, then the effort = prize correlation will fade a little. Oftentimes, this attitude is that of, "I don't want to be in the club everyone's in -- I want to be in the exclusive club." People tend to treasure the things that they have to work for. (On that note: if he smiles/acts cute/flirts w/ other girls now, would he continue doing that if he was going out w/ you? Would you like that? Perhaps you can call him on it -- if he does something nice, you can ask/tease, "Are you flirting w/ me?" However, this question is a tad on the bold side. You'll want to be prepared w/ your own quippy response for a "yes" or "no" answer.)
-->Girls that express interest first are often viewed as desperate. Sad, but true, to some extent. Many girls disagree with this, however, as my friend expressed a very black-and-white "The guy should ask the girl out!" course of action. Some girls are really confident, and are fine asking guys out. As one gal stated, she usually asked the guy out first b/c she got impatient. So, both genders could and should be able to ask the other out -- on a date, at least. Are you? It seems that you're more hesitant and would rather have friendship than a rejection. Remember, moving to the next step usually means "Double or Nothing" -- you either get double the fun times, or none of them.

That said, there are a couple of subtler ways to 'encourage a guy' w/o overtly 'expressing interest.' Little hints are good, like flirting or spending time w/ the person. No flowers, no huge gifts, no confrontation, though. In a sporting sort of way, you could make a bet w/ him about something, and the loser has to treat the winner to lunch. (This works especially well at uni, since you're usually both on campus anyway. This will work even better if you have French class right before lunch.)

Communication is key! If he does something nice to/for you, then you could ask him outright, "Do you do this for other girls? Ah, you're such a player!" (Of course, you in particular can do this in French, which'll be even cuter.)

If the betting thing doesn't work out, you could ask him for his French notes and repay him w/ lunch. It'll be like a subtle feeling-what-a-date-would-be-like sort of thing. And if he doesn't seem interested, then you'd still be w/in the bounds of the "friends" category. During this lunch, you could always point out a pretty girl, or talk about one in your class, and lead into "What do you think is attractive?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?" Another great question is "What do you do that lets a girl know that you like her?" Depending on how well you know him, you could talk about past relationships, but that's leading more into third-date or good-friends territory. If he's more experienced than you, you can always use his response as a learning experience. You could, however, ask him for advice on if you like someone but you're not sure if that person likes you. Or you could ask him about guys who flirt w/ many girls and how to tell if they like you.

Alternatively, you could go/invite him to a party/bar, and use alcohol as an excuse for expressing your feelings or for kissing him madly. There's also inviting him to a formal dance b/c you need a date, mistletoe at Christmas, having a friend dare you to kiss the first guy you see (which would conveniently be him), and/or several other fluffy scenarios.

You might also want to check out the following post(s):
Q22: Does my coworker like me?
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

Feel free to ask for more advice as needed, give us advice after you've decided upon a course of action, or let us know how it turns out! :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q23: I took advantage of him, but I don't want to lose him...

2005-08-20T16:34:00.000-04:00

hello, i have been dating this guy for a year or so, i really took advantage of him. HE used to say he loves me, he would die for me and he wanted to marry me. I was always who said back in response when he said he loves me i would say OK, like i took advantage of his and his love for me. So we fought, we argued a lot, and last time he gave me a chance he said and he swore on his family life that we will never be together again if I'll mess this one up. And of course i did. I took all and everythign for granted, like he owes me something. Now i cried, i begged, i had no sleep, i didnt eat. He finally said ok we can be friends. And we were. Now we are more than friends, but not quite together, cause he swore. (he is armenian and its very serious, if he swores). Anyway, to make the long story short, we are sort of together, which Im happy to have him as something in my life. I want to spend my life with him and he says now he is not sure if he wants to marry me, if he sees a little doubt in me, he wont do it. He wants to get married once and thats it. (Though before he did wanted to) Im 25 and he is 23. What do i do? I dont want to waste my time? But at the same time i dont want to loose him. He says he loves me and cares for me, he just doesnt know whats goign to happened. He says i dont want to be with you and then of we end up not marrying one another, i dont want you to hate me. HE is not sure.

-Screwed Up

Okay. Some questions to think about:

1. Why did you take advantage of him? If you love him so much, then why didn't you stop, and why did you even take advantage of him in the first place?

2. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him now?

3. Did you like taking advantage of him? Did it give you a sense of security or power? That you could take advantage of him and he'd still love you? Or did it make you feel loved? Is that the only reason you're with him? Why did you tell him only "OK" when he told you "I love you"? Did you feel weak? Vulnerable? That he was 'below' you? Why don't you feel that way now? Do you love him enough to, as he once said, "die for him"?

4. How did you take advantage of him? If you took him for granted, then how are you going to not take him for granted again? If you cheated on him, why? (You might want to refer to this site for advice if you did cheat on him; basically, if you did cheat on him, then figure out why. You might not be ready to settle down. And that's okay.

5. Does the age difference bother you? That might've been why you didn't take him seriously at first. If he loves you and you love him, then give him at least some benefit of the doubt; if you really love him, then you should trust him and let him trust you. Be really open, and communicate a Lot.

6. You could ask him why he love(d) you, and why he wanted to marry you. If you agree with his reasoning, then tell him so, and provide some reasons of your own. Then talk it through from there.

7. If there's no trust, the relationship's not going to work. One of you will always be doubting the other. Find a way to ensure trust. Show him that you don't take him for granted and that you won't. Do little things, like gifts or being there when he needs someone, or talking to him. But only do these if he wants you to do them.

8. Do you really love him? If not, it's not fair to him for you to be leading him on. Make sure that you don't want to be with him just b/c he's told you "no" and you want the old status quo of "yes." If yes, then figure out how you've hurt him, and how not to do it again. Lay it before him, and apologize for what you did, and tell him what you're going to do about the problems that you've had before. Answer the questions, and talk it over with him. If he really loves you, then maybe he'll take you back. If he's been hurt too much, then maybe he won't. But at least you'd have given him some indication that you cared about him, and perhaps he won't hurt as badly.

These questions are tough, but think through them and examine your feelings. We @ Ask the Beaver don't know the specifics of the situation, but if you email us more details, we also can try to give you more specific advice. In the meantime, good luck. Once you've betrayed someone's trust, it's really difficult to get over that obstacle. Hopefully, you can overcome that, and hopefully you'll both be happier in the future.

Q22: Does my co-worker like me?

2005-08-15T21:51:00.000-04:00

hi mr beaver~ i'd like to ask... how do you know if a guy likes (loves) you? i'm 20+, single & i never had a boyfriend. i've had a lot of friendly relationships with guys and i think they all treated me the same, a baby/childish figure. now i have a workmate whom i have special feelings. this all started when i noticed him paying special attention on me, doing things my other guy-friends wouldn't normally do. what does it mean? or should i ask him (although this would feel so awkward on my part)? :( help. i don't want to assume things but that is just so inevitable. i end up not being able to function properly because of paranoia. :(
-Nervous Knickers

Hmm... First off, it's easy to get attracted to someone that you haven't known for a long time. I'm guessing that this workmate doesn't know your other guy friends, and therefore doesn't harbor the same background feelings for you.

You've really got to consider the guy involved, your own personality, and the particular situation. What sorts of things does this guy do for you? Does he do the same sorts of things for other friends, especially girl friends? Or only to attractive girls, or girls you might think he's attracted to?

If you've got a hunch that he likes you, chances are he does. After all, you know him, right? But if you've just met him, then you might want to assess the situation first. See if he does do all those nice things to everyone.

If you're feeling particularly antsy, then be bold! Take the plunge. Ask him about it. You could say, "Thank you" for a particularly nice thing, and lead in to, "Do you do this for all of your coworkers/friends?"

There's also the usual "Go out to lunch/dinner and talk" routine. If he's done something particularly nice for you, you could repay him by buying lunch. Or you could make a bet, and the loser has to treat the winner to lunch/dinner/dessert/coffee. Throughout this meal, or when you're randomly talking to him, you could point out a pretty girl and say, "Wow -- she's really pretty," and see what he says. It's a good lead-in to asking, "What do you find attractive?" Girls usually use this question to figure out if a guy thinks that they're attractive. Sometimes, if you're lucky, the guy will come right out and say, "Well, I think you're pretty attractive..."

Oh, and workmate relationships can get complicated, so... if you're going to see him every day for a long period of time, you might want to be a little careful before diving into a relationship headfirst.

Don't be paranoid!! Sure, everyone gets nervous. But be confident! Be sure of yourself! That's such an attractive quality. Don't be self-conscious; he's the one who first started paying attention to you, right? Don't worry!!!

And remember: regardless of whether there's something there or not, you're probably going to find someone eventually. Use all of these instances as learning processes. See what works and what doesn't work. And don't feel pressured into liking him back b/c you think he likes you. Really take a good look at him, see what you yourself like about him, and figure out if he's worth being nervous around. If he likes/is paying special attention to you, then you're probably doing something right anyway. If not, then who cares? He could become another friend, but then he can probably also introduce you to his friends.

Oi, and though each case is different, you might want to try reading some of these other questions/answers for more tips:
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

And just to clarify: "Mr. Beaver" is just one of the many busy beavers who answer questions on this site. You can also direct questions to "Marsupials Unite," "The Beaverette," or "Beavers, Inc." Beavers, Inc. is the administrator of this particular blog. Also, most of the beavers are out of town at the moment, so we might be taking longer to get back to all you lovely readers out there. That said, feel free to comment as much as you'd like, and we'll cover everyone eventually. ^_~

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q21: What if I never see him again?

2005-06-07T10:33:00.000-04:00

From "Trying to Go Out With a Bang" via Blog Comment:

Dear Beaver, I've had a crush on this guy for nearly a year now, but have never been able to work up the courage to actually ask him out. Thing is, the situation is changing--and I'll probably never see him again. I realize that the smart thing to do in this case is to get over him, but like I said, I've had a crush on him for a long time, so that's sort of hard to do. What should I do? How do I get over him?
- Trying to Go Out With a Bang

The short answer to your question is this: there are two types of regret (regret for having done something, and regret for not having done something), and you have to decide which of those regrets will hurt more. In my opinion, the latter regret is more painful. Also, I tend to think that in matters of love, we should risk rather than restrain.

But is a crush on the same level as love? No. (This is the long answer.) There are plenty of risks to pursuing this crush in the short term—do you actually know who this person is? I personally have discovered multiple times that my crush is not the person I previously imagined her to be. We tend to create an image of our crush, rather than see the person as s/he truly is. In other words, be a little bit skeptical of your own tendency to place another person on a pedestal (we all do it).

On the other hand, you can learn a lot by following your desires and stumbling along the way (the stumbling is inevitable). Even if pursuing your crush turns out to be a mistake, as long as you are open to the lessons such a mistake offers, it won't be a total loss.

Another possibility: picture someone you truly admire, and ask yourself what that person would do if s/he was in your position.

In the end, you have to decide for yourself. Terrifying, isn't it? Truly listen to yourself, striving to be honest, and then make the best possible choice. Take some time alone to think.

(From another staffer): If all you want is some action, then go for it. The easiest way (as bad as it sounds) is probably to get drunk, confess your affections, and go at it. However, you do have to think about what would happen in the long run. If this crush is a really good friend of yours, then this confess-your-feelings thing might make your whole relationship a bit awkward. True, you'd never see him again, but when you do keep in touch, it might be painful. And who knows? You might see him again, be able to laugh about a crush that you once had, and gain a deeper relationship. Also, gauge the signals: how does he feel about you? Would you be willing to risk what you've got now for a fling? Would it be incredibly awkward after that fling? Would you feel immensely fulfilled, or just want something more that you can't have? Either way, it'll probably feel empty. Long story short: If you're attracted to each other, and relatively comfortable with each other, then go for it. If not, just keep in touch over the years.

As usual, be safe, and have a great summer!

[Note]: If this didn't answer your question, or if you want more details, feel free to post/email/ask again!

Q20: What if I'm attracted to my Prof?

2005-04-25T03:33:00.000-04:00

From "Ready to Hit the Books (and the Sack??)" via Blog Comment:

Dear Beaver: While I would love to have a normal relationship with someone my own age, I find myself drawn to professors. It seems that every semester, I end up infatuated with a different instructor. Currently, I have eyes for one of my humanities professors. I can't get over his sharp wit, brilliant mind, and worldly sophistication. I've been going to office hours every week, and I'm definitely getting interested vibes from him. Last week, after a lengthy session in office hours, he even invited me out for coffee to continue our conversation. I know that this situation may sound bizarre, but I find guys my age to be awkward and immature. Should I pursue my current (more mature) love interest, or should I settle for guys my own age?
- Ready to Hit the Books (and the Sack??)

Your story is the stuff of Hollywood Dangerous Liasons-esque entanglement and yet it is as commonplace as syphilis in a whorehouse. (Was that in bad taste? Most likely.) My first impulse, in all honesty, is to tip-toe away from the subject and let someone else handle this one entirely... But then my two cents started burning a desperate hole in my pocket, and I had to put them in if you will.

First, I would just like to acknowledge the fact that I am a human being with human flaws and a very different set of morals from your fine self or from even the other contributors of this column. So whatever I say should be taken with barrels of salt and scrutinized for hours under a powerful microscope.

Let's get to this problem of yours: you keep looking for hot teacher-student action (hopefully sans pigtails). In fact, that's all you want. You find time after time that your peers--these fine strapping young lads--are mere boys whereas these vintage-wine professors are true men.

My dear, your complaint against males of the twenty-something variety is an age-old one in existence since Man first laughed at his flatulence. Almost every girl--excuse me, woman--you meet will gripe about the maturity (or lack thereof) of the males supposedly called her peers. In the ongoing eternal Battle of the Sexes, the Maturity card is always our trump card against the men.

So naturally, you turn to older, seemingly wiser, and more refined men for romantic interests. And, trapped in your Ivory Tower of Academia, who better to win your affections than your very own professors?

Okay. Before I go on. I think your situation is two-fold: first there's the student-teacher relationship; second there's just the general attraction to older (much older) men (which I'm not lambasting in the slightest so keep your pants on before you start calling me a narrow-minded puritanical prude).

Student-Teacher Relationships
The problem, of which I am sure you are quite aware, is that student-teacher relationships are considered professionally unethical. I'm not even talking weird romantic sticky situations (which is a risk that one takes with any relationship anyway). I'm just talking flat out, you-can-get-someone-fired-from-his-or-her-job, black and white, code of business here. I'm sure you're an intelligent young woman and know the robot rhetoric of "Why" so I won't demean you with details. You really don't want to put this current heartthrob prof of yours in a compromising situation. No matter how delicately and carefully you create this relationship with the current prof such that academic life and romantic life are entirely separate... Things Will Get Dicey. If you really really REALLY (I mean really!) think this dude is the bee's knees and getting in his pantalones is your modus operandi, don't you think you could wait until the end of term? Because here's the thing. Healthy romantic relationships can develop between former students and former teachers. Hint Hint. I'll leave it at that.

Ok now in terms of your particular situation with this particular humanities prof. Be brutally honest with yourself, is this man showing romantic interest or is he trying to be an attentive teacher willing to spend time outside of class and outside of the teaching environment to cultivate a young, eager mind? And if he is showing interest... (I'm going to play a little devil's advocate here) isn't that a wee bit unprofessional and (pardon my layman's term) sketchy? Be careful that you're not the one being exploited here. I know the whole seedy older prof taking advantage of a naive, impressionable, virginal girl is a bit of a cliche, but it ain't a cliche for nothing. Never mind the title of "professor;" there are sketchy folk out there regardless of profession, right? Be wary of the wolf in neat-pressed suit and briefcase.

Older Men
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to older men. The maturity argument is a valid point, no doubt. But ask yourself... is this a quality you find attractive in it of itself? It's ok if it is. Then that's that. If you find older men attractive, that's just the way you were programmed. So be it. After all, some people are attracted to certain races, certain hair colors, certain fashion styles... so why not certain ages?

However, if you're attracted to older men because of the implied maturity... then maybe you are fooling yourself. I know just as many wise 20 year-olds as I do disgustingly immature 30 or 40 year-olds. Maturity is age-blind.

Maybe you should try going on some dates with men of varying age in an attempt to analyze what it is that you find attractive or repulsive or intriguing, and if it is an age-thing... or a unique-person-thing.

Anyway, I think I've rambled long enough. Hopefully one of the other writers of the Beaver Collective will add in their nominal sum of wisdom to help you out as well. But on the Marsupial Front... I think we've said our piece.

Good luck!

Q19: Drunk & Fun to Sober & Awkward; what now?

2005-04-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

From "To go for it or not" via Blog Comment:

Hi Mr. Beaver,I met a guy at a party a few weeks ago. We were pretty into each other at a party, so he emailed me later to see if we could get together again. We went out, but it wasn't the same as the first night. It was much more awkward, possibly because he was more sober. We are very different people, however I think it could work but I'm not sure. I'm also wary of leading him on if I decide we are just too different. What to do?
-To go for it or not.

Alcohol leads to a lack of inhibition, which basically means that "anything goes." Therefore, you have a safety net -- if you do something stupid, you can blame it on being drunk.

The morning after / the date-when-sober usually adds a lot more pressure to the interaction between two people. If you do something stupid at this point, you can't blame it on anything but yourself. Perhaps you were just more self-conscious. Many people tend to be awkward on the first date.

Just get to know each other, either via dating or just hanging out. You'll eventually lose that dependency on alcohol for a good time. You probably don't have to be too wary of "leading him on." You're both somewhat interested in each other, and you probably can both learn something from the other person. Opposites attract; he can probably introduce you some new/different interests, and you can do the same for him.

If you're still interested, there's no harm in going on a second date. If it's really awful, then both of you will probably get that vibe and back off. If you think it's awful but he keeps coming back for more, you can either use the "I'm busy" approach, or the "I think we should just hang out as friends," or just plain, "Nah..."

(Note: this post will be edited by 4/28; we have a Beaver-In-Training working on it.)

Q18: What should I know about sex? (Especially for my first time...)

2005-04-20T03:52:00.000-04:00

[Note: This post was previously entitled: "We just said I love you -- what about sex?" and "Having sex for the first time -- should I lose my virginity?"]

From "In Love and Considering Taking It Further" via email:

So, I have a bit of a personal question. My boyfriend and I are back together and he's even proclaimed his love for me (he was really cute about it). Well, we're still only at 3rd base. I've been contemplating my stance on whether or not to stay a virgin more and more these days. I suppose my question is, what are your thoughts and what sort of protection do you recommend using? My boyfriend has always been supportive of my wanting to stay a virgin until marriage and so he is by no means pressuring me. Anyhoo, just curious as to what you think!
-In Love and Considering Taking It Further

Ni hao, ILaCTIF!

Most people enjoy sex b/c it's fun, feels great, and also adds a whole new level of comfort to the relationship; physical and emotional intimacy are probably the basis for the human desire to be part of a relationship. And it's good to trust your first time to someone you trust, especially your boyfriend whom you love. That said, however, if you've always wanted to wait for marriage, then examine your reasons why. Why do you want to have sex? Why would you want to wait until marriage? Which is more important to you?

Sex for the first time can be quite an intimidating experience. Be sure to talk about it with your partner, to clarify what you expect and/or how far you're willing to go. And yes, sex might hurt for the girl b/c penetration will break her hymen. Therefore, before diving straight into it, work up to that coupling with a lot of foreplay.

Quite frankly, once you lose your virginity, it becomes much less of a big deal. ("It" being virginity, sex, etc.) You do have to adjust to a couple of physical changes -- for example, it's easier to get a urinary tract infection (UTI). If you're careful during sex -- that is, if you don't let his equipment touch your anus and then anywhere near your ureter, then you should be fine. Drinking cranberry juice actually helps to prevent UTIs, so it's good to have some on a regular basis. You should also stay hydrated, and drink lots of water to "flush out" your system. After sex, get up and urinate, so you can clean out any extra substances down there. Later, if you start to experience a continual urge to urinate, or see any blood in your urine, then go see a doctor and get some antibiotics. Yeast infections cause also general itchiness down there, but there are several over-the-counter medications that erase the itchiness quite efficiently. Ah, yes -- and once you're sexually active, you should see a gynecologist once a year for an annual physical.

Whew! Medical advice somewhat aside, make sure you practice safe sex. That is, use a condom. And put it on before your genitalia come into contact; most guys secrete "pre-cum," which does contain a bit of semen. Most people use at least two forms of contraception; the most popular methods are condoms and birth control pills. Make sure that the condoms are strong/durable. Japanese condoms (like Kimonos) are the best -- there are stricter sex laws in Japan, which means that the condoms are stronger, and they're usually also thinner and don't smell horrendously like rubber -- Trojans definitely stink. You can buy Kimonos (or other brands of condoms) from Drugstore.Com. Alternatively, you can snag Pleasure Plus Condoms from your local CVS Pharmacy and other stores. These condoms have been described via podcast and Glamour Magazine as "latex viagra." Their main website also distributes free samples.

If you're near Boston and you'd like to try out a wide range before settling on one brand, check out the ones at Grand Opening in Coolidge Corner or at Condom World on Newbury Street. They usually sell individual condoms for less than $1.

Prelubricated condoms are quite common these days, though when you store them for a long time, the lubricant might start to break down the condom. Therefore, check the expiration date before you open/use a condom. Condoms that consist of "natural skins" or sheer latex might enhance sensitivity, but the former doesn't block STDs and the latter can easily tear. Some ribbed condoms are said to also enhance sensitivity, but these usually have raised areas that are high stress points and can also easily tear. We recommend experimenting with various condoms' length and thickness to find the best one for you. For an overview of condoms, check out this Wikipedia Article: Condom.

You can also increase sensitivity by adding a few drops of lubricant to the inside surface of the condom before it's unrolled. The lubricant should be applied to the outer surface of the condom, as well as the female genitalia. If there isn't enough lubrication, bleeding/irritation might result from the friction. If the girl bleeds a lot after sex and isn't on her period, then she should go see a doctor.

Lubricants are recommended to be water-based and water-soluble, to allow for easy clean-up and condom stability. Petroleum-based lubricants will break down the latex, damage the condom, and stick to delicate tissues, which promotes microorganism growth. Slightly acidic lubes inhibit microorganisms. When choosing a lubricant, try not to buy one that contains glycerin, which breaks down to a type of sugar in the vagina. Sugars can be a food source for yeast, thereby promoting yeast infections.

Lubes: We recommend Liquid Silk, which feels quite natural and has surprisingly few ingredients -- which is good for sensitive skin. It also doesn't contain glycerin, and is quite safe and hypoallergenic. Quite a few people use Astroglide, though this lube does contain glycerin and has a sticky feel -- like sugar water drying on your skin. It also probably promotes yeast infections and general itchiness in the nether regions.

The obsessively-careful couples will 'test' condoms for leaks after their usage; this usually involves filling the used condom with water and squeezing, like a water balloon. Though not the most graceful of activities, this shows whether or not the condom remained intact. If you do find a leak, go to your doctor and ask for the Morning After Pill.

You might want to also consider other methods of contraception. Oral contraception, like birth control pills, used in conjunction with condoms greatly decreases the chance of pregnancy. "The Pill" alone won't prevent STDs, though, so if you have sex, make sure it's with someone you trust.

Don't feel pressured into having sex, either by society or your own urges, but examine why you want/don't want to. In the end, though you can't go back to the state of "innocent virginhood," once you lose your virginity, you'll probably feel that sex just isn't the monumental occasion or intimidating milestone it once was. Hopefully, your boyfriend will make your first time wonderful for you. :) And you trust him, too, so that's good...

That said, afterwards, if you two ever break up, then try not to just have sex casually. Quite a few people think that sex is trivial, or take it for granted that "everyone's had sex by [insert age here]." Since it becomes less of an ordeal to hop into the sack, many people feel the urge to hook up and go all the way. Hooking up often works on an emotional level for some, but in the long run (and with all of the STDs out there), it's not safe. If he's experienced, then you should tell him to get tested first, just in case. There are a couple of STDs that are undetectable that can cause problems if they aren't treated. To get a little more info on that, view the comments page for this post, or refer to Q25: STDs.

Overall, if you trust your man, and you're ready to take this step in your relationship, go for it. :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again. :)]

Q17: Good relationship advice sites?

2005-04-19T02:40:00.000-04:00

From "Internetly Bored" via AIM:

Hi -- are there any other sites that you'd recommend for advice or relationships or other things?
-Internetly Bored

Yo, IB --
Sure! Here's a list of some fun and some informative links:

Go Ask Alice!
(http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu)
Columbia University's Q&A Internet Service

The MANIFESTO
(http://www.loverlylust.blogspot.com)
A not-so-illustrated guide to Guys, Love, Lust, and General Rules on how to treat the opposite (or not so opposite, if you're Gay) sex in matters of relationshippy-ness.

MIT Senior Ball Survival Guide
How to find a date, how to tie a bowtie, and what to do if your shirt gets caught in your zipper. A worse-case scenario guide to formal occasions. :)

Misc Sites via Google
(http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=GGLD,GGLD:2004-18,GGLD:en&q=relationship+advice)
A list of sites that came up when you search for "relationship advice." (And there are quite a few out there...)

Kinsey: legitimate/studies
(http://www.indiana.edu/~kinsey/)

Nerve
(http://www.nerve.com)

OkCupid: learn-about-relationships-the-hard-way
(http://www.okcupid.com)

The Sex Clinic: your own personal sex coach (sort of)
(http://www.thesexclinic.com)

Gender Talk: 88.1FM/WMBR talk show on Saturdays from 8-9pm
(http://www.gendertalk.com)

Oh's "sunday night sex show"
(http://www.oxygen.com/talksex/)

jackinworld: for the males
(http://www.jackinworld.com/)

Savage Love
(http://www.thestranger.com/current/savage.html)

...We'll keep adding to this list as we find new/cool/good sites. If you've got a recommendation, please comment! :)

Q16: I'm a lesbian with a crush on my best guy friend...

2005-04-18T12:58:00.000-04:00

From "Guys or Girls?" via Blog Comment:

hello...so i am a girl and for a little over a year i was pretty sure i was a lesbian.. i have a girlfriend back home too.. but recently i have developed a crush on my best guy friend here. and then i found out that he is basically in love with me. i'm so confused and i don't know what to do...i dont want to hurt my girlfriend or cheat on her or anything but sometimes i really wanna do stuff with my guy friend...
-Guys or Girls?

Hello, GoG --

Why are/were you pretty sure you were a lesbian? Have you had a straight relationship, with a guy? Many people are bisexual.

Something we advise to all people in relationships: assess why you’re in a relationship with your current significant other. Do you love her? Where do you want your relationship with her to go? How long have you been dating? Why are you dating? Do you see yourself with her forever? Talk to her about your answers to these questions. If you do love her, then perhaps going out with your best guy friend wouldn’t measure up to your current relationship. If you’ve never had a boyfriend, then you might not know if it’ll measure up or if you can love a guy or not.

Has your girlfriend always been a lesbian? Has she ever had a crush on a guy? You might want to ask her the above questions, too -- how does she know she's a lesbian? Has she ever had a crush on a guy? What did she do about it? Does she love you? What does she want from your relationship?

Long distance relationships are pretty tough. Your guy friend is here, and at the very least, you’ll probably feel tempted to do something. Keep that in mind, too: if you stay with your gal, how would you get over your guy friend?

There’s probably a reason why you’re best friends with that guy. Namely, you’re attracted (emotionally/mentally, at least) to each other so much that you’re close to each other. Oftentimes, the segue from friendship to boyfriend/girlfriend involves a physical attraction. It’s the combination of physical and emotional intimacy that allow total intimacy, comfort, trust, love – all those things that we human beings crave from a partner. So… if the guy’s your best friend, and you’re also physically attracted, it might be worth a shot. Remember, though: when you take “the next step,” it’s double or nothing. That is, your future relationship with him could be either [at least] “twice” as much as you’ve got right now, or if you broke up badly, it could fade away to “nothing.” However, if you’re really good friends and completely open with each other, you can probably find a way to remain friends afterwards. Sometimes, a relationship even adds depth to a friendship; you’d see how the other person acts in a relationship, which gives you a deeper understanding for his/her character. (For more info on that, see our post on Q12: I've got a boyfriend -- and a crush on another guy...)

Talk to your best friend about your feelings, too. See how serious he feels, and compare it to how serious you feel. You probably talk to him about your current relationship. Has he met your girlfriend? Does he think you’ve got the potential for a long-term relationship?

Alternative Advice: Just get really drunk one night and have a threesome! When you wake up in the morning, go with whomever made you happiest. Or start a love triangle…

…Er… If that sounds tempting, make sure you talk it over with everyone involved. Otherwise, someone might end up feeling used. Another scenario: your guy friend and your girlfriend might get together, leaving you in the dust.

With any relationship, there's a series of ongoing questions: "Do we love each other? Do we take the next step or break up? Is this other person going to be better?"

Is your girlfriend your best friend? Why/why not? Whom do you feel closer to, the girl or the guy? People generally feel closest to the person that they're in a relationship with, due to trust, love, and a combination of other factors. Sort out whom you have the deepest feelings for, which one you're most attracted to, which one you're closest to, and what you want from a relationship in general. Good luck! :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q15: How do I know if he loves me?

2005-04-13T23:49:00.000-04:00

From "Self Conscious in Relationships" via email:

I need some advice. I have been dating someone for a month, which isn't very long at all, but we spend every minute of our spare time together. He recently told me that he loved me, which is a big deal. He has never been in love before, and i am afraid that he may be confusing love with infatuation. I have been in love before, and I can tell that I am in love now, but is there a way to know if he is? I spend so much time with him, and everyone I know thinks we are sleeping together (which we aren't), but the idea is out there. One month seems very fast to me to take that step, but I don't know. I feel like I should stop seeing him as often as I do if I don't think that sex is a good idea at the moment, mainly because people can make stupid decisions, and I feel like I am 2, but if he doesn't really love me, then it seems like an even bigger deal. I don't know what to do. How do you know when the timing is "right?" Do you ever know?
-Self Conscious in Relationships

Hello, SCiR!
First off… do you trust the guy?

Examine some of the reasons why you’re in the relationship. Why do you love him? How do you know that you’re in love? Have you asked him if he really loves you? How does he know? Do you want it to last? Do you trust and love him more than you care about what other people think? Why does it matter that people think you’re sleeping together? Have you had sex before? Is he pressuring you to have sex? Do you want to have sex with him?

A friend of ours has been in a very similar situation to yours. As far as, “how does the guy know that he loves me?” – well, the guy just said/says, “I know. It’s just how I feel.” They also had sex pretty quickly. They’ve also been dating for over a year now, so we guess it’s worked out well. We asked another friend how she knew that she loved a particular guy. She said, “There are so many reasons… but it’s because I can’t tell you any particular reason that I know I love him.” (All of these are paraphrased, of course.)

If you love him, and if he loves you, then titles like “infatuation” don’t really matter. It might feel like puppy love or infatuation in the beginning, but that doesn’t necessarily have to end; love just evolves. Usually, this evolving involves a growing sense of comfort, of intimacy, of “feeling right.” Sometimes, all we can go on are feelings. Love doesn’t often seem “reasonable,” does it?

If you do decide to have sex, then make sure you get tested first. Also, if you feel that “this relationship is going too fast,” then take a step back. This could result in alienation, or misunderstanding, so make sure you’re clear about your reasons for doing so. Make sure you’ve got reasons for doing so in the first place. Answer the above questions, and go over them with your guy. You both (will) need to communicate, and try to understand each other’s points of view. Also, give the guy a little credit -- he's innocent (er, in love?) until proven guilty (er...not in love?), right? Just go with what you feel. If you feel an overwhelming sense of doubt, then it'll be hard for you to get over that obstacle; psychologically telling yourself that love's not going to happen will make it not happen. However, if you feel that he's right and he feels that you're right, there's no reason to doubt that.

Unfortunately, often one only knows “what is right” in retrospect. Hindsight is 20/20. But think it out, and go with what you feel. If you do trust him, then trust his feelings, too. Trust is the major basis of a relationship. Without trust, you won't have a good relationship. True, by trusting you make yourself vulnerable, and honestly, you might get hurt in the long run – but that’s a risk we all have to take. Timing doesn’t necessarily mean anything. You’ve spent a lot of time with this guy. You probably know him a lot more than you’d generally know a person after a month. On the other hand, if you’re not comfortable with consuming each other’s lives, then take a step back. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do, but also don’t analyze every single thing. To quote ee cummings:

(given the scalpel,they dissect a kiss;
or,sold the reason,they undream a dream)

And, quite frankly, I know at least two couples who have told each other "I love you" within a month of dating each other. And they're still together. So time means diddlysquat -- you can't measure something as amorphous as love with something as rigid as time. Talk it over, examine your feelings, and good luck! :)

If you’ve got a couple of reasons or can tell us “how do you know you’re in love?”, please let us know! :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q14: Blue balls -- a problem or a ploy?

2005-03-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

From "didn't wanna ask at the time..." via AIM:

So, pardon my frankness, but can you explain to me more clearly the "blue balls" business that gentlemen often complain about? I understand the basic, err, mechanics and causes of the condition, but I've got to wonder, does it really hurt that much or is it generally played up and used as a ploy to garner sympathy/get laid? How long do effects linger? Why does it cause pain? Is there a way to avoid/alleviate symptoms while keeping romantic engagements "above the belt?"
thanks,
-didn't wanna ask at the time...

Greetings, "didn't wanna..."!

Okay: frankly, blue balls aren't as serious as guys think they are. This probably depends on the guy, and his tolerance/threshold for pain, but he'll live.

As to the mechanical basis, here's a fantastic description from DiscoveryHealth:Sexpedia:

"Blue balls" is a slang term referring to testicular aching that may occur when the blood that fills the vessels in a male's genital area during sexual arousal is not dissipated by orgasm.
When a man becomes sexually excited, the arteries carrying blood to the genital area enlarge, while the veins carrying blood from the genital area are more constricted than in the non-aroused state.
This uneven blood flow causes an increase in volume of blood trapped in the genitals and contributes to the penis becoming erect and the testicles becoming engorged with blood. During this process of vasocongestion the testicles increase in size 25-50 percent.
If the male reaches orgasm and ejaculates, the arteries and veins return to their normal size, the volume of blood in the genitals is reduced and the penis and testicles return to their usual size rather quickly.
If ejaculation does not occur there may be a lingering sensation of heaviness, aching, or discomfort in the testicles due to the continued vasocongestion. This unpleasant feeling has popularly been called blue balls, perhaps because of the bluish tint that appears when blood engorges the vessels in the testicles.

A Temporary, Minor Pain
The condition usually does not last long and the level of pain associated with blue balls is usually minor and can be exaggerated. Most men have been socialized to ejaculate when they get an erection during sexual activity. Failure to ejaculate and to feel orgasm often adds frustration and disappointment to the reality of the physical sensation.
Men who believe that they should ejaculate every time they have an erection are likely to exert pressure on their partner to proceed with sex without taking her feelings into consideration.
Some men find that masturbation is a viable solution and are realizing that ejaculation is not a requirement in every sexual situation. This attitude allows both men and their partners to relax more and to learn that pleasure and meaning can exist without having to reach ejaculation and orgasm during every sexual encounter.
Men are not alone in experiencing the discomfort of unrelieved vasocongestion. Women's genitals also become engorged with blood during sexual arousal and, like their male counterparts, women can experience pelvic heaviness and aching if they do not reach orgasm.

...So, to sum up: "blue balls" is a physical manifestation of sexual frustration. Basically, the blood builds up down there (for both guys and girls), and an orgasm is the typical way for that pressure to be released. A guy does NOT need to ejaculate; it'll just be achy for a bit. If you are not comfortable going "below the belt," then don't be pressured just b/c he's feeling some extra pressure. Don't do something that you're not comfortable with; if the guy forces or guilt-trips you into it, then he's not worth being with.

From a Guy: Yeah, blue balls can be uncomfortable --- when I first started kissing girls, I would get a rather intense pain down there. It stopped happening after about 3-4 women. I say it's an excuse, but can you blame them? Just give them the nookie already --- let the male worship and revel in your body.

...hmm. While we don't agree with this particular guy, the "when I first started..." is probably a key point. As guys get used to "romantic engagements," they build up a tolerance. So the more experienced guys will be able to control their aches. Don't give the guy nookie unless you're comfortable with him. And even then, it'd better be worship. What doesn't kill him will make him stronger. If you're lucky, he'll build up a tolerance and be even better in bed.

Guys tend to build up the concept of "blue balls" in their minds as something to be avoided. However, there's usually a point at which a guy can stop the romantic engagement and not ache afterwards. The best way to deal with situations like these is to be open/communicate with the guy. Be clear on what you want to do or how far you want to go. Any possible feelings of awkwardness will be much better for you than feeling uncomfortable if you go too far. If he doesn't listen to you, or if he insists that he needs to ejaculate and you really don't want to deal with that, he can go to the bathroom and masturbate. That will definitely be awkward, so try to head off that uncomfy-ness by talking beforehand. Or just saying, "Stop" or "I need to catch my breath" or even "Can we save some for next time?" Girls deal w/ blue balls quite often -- esp since so many guys don't know how to give US orgasms -- so don't feel too guilty.

Alternatively, if you're having a romantic engagement (great term, btw), and it gets to be too much, and the guy talks about the blue balls, you could call him on it. Confess that you're curious about this concept, ask whether it's really true or not, and see if it really hurts that much when you stop. Of course, this is definitely a "scientific curiosity side" that might analytically kill the mood, but some guys like a little sadism...right? ;)

Also, no matter how much they say they just wanna get laid, guys do appreciate a good chase/girls that don't say "yes" right away, or cater to their every whim. Saying "yes" right away looks desperate. Be a little skeptical -- the guy needs to prove himself to you before you trust him with going further. Overall, do what makes you feel comfortable.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q13: My friend likes the same guy I like -- Help!

2005-03-27T15:57:00.000-05:00

From "Sisters Before Misters?":

I've liked this guy for several months now. We get along wonderfully; the only problem is that a close friend of mine also likes him -- a lot. I haven't told her about my feelings for him. Would I be a terrible person to date this guy, or to act on my feelings? I really want to go after him (I think we'd be a perfect match), but I don't want to seem disingenuous, or worse, ruin a friendship. Help!
-Sisters Before Misters?

Hi, SBM? --
Whom do you think the guy would like better -- you or your friend? If you did express interest and you both went after him, then if he picked your friend, you'd end up without friend and without a boyfriend.

If you think the guy would pick you, however, then go for it. But first, you should probably tell your friend that you really like the guy, and that you've liked him for several months -- ie, that you didn't start liking him just b/c your friend likes him. Make sure you tell her before making any moves -- otherwise, you'll seem underhanded and sneaky, and your friend will feel betrayed. Although... that gives your friend an opening to betray you. How much do you trust your friend? If she's a good friend, then you can both examine why you like the guy and talk about it together. If she's not such a good friend, then she might backstab you. (Though that probably means that she's not worth keeping as a friend anyway.) Be careful. Avoid the feeling that you're competing for this guy.

If the guy asks you on a date before you've got a chance to do anything, then tell your friend about it, too. If you want to be a really good friend, then you could tell him that your friend likes him. But be prepared -- if he chooses your friend, you'll be hurt.

Alternatively, set your friend up with someone else. Then make a move on the guy. Once she's in a relationship, you could tell her, "Oh -- [insert guy's name here] asked me on a date..." It'll be more casual then because you're not competing.

Alternative Advice: Just have a threesome -- then everyone's happy!

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q12: I've got a boyfriend -- and a crush on another guy...

2005-03-27T15:33:00.000-05:00

From "Platonic Crush":

I'm in a long-term relationship with a guy I want to spend a long time with, but I have this really strong connection with another boy. Besides my boyfriend, he's probably my best friend -- we hang out together quite a bit, and I do harbor a long-standing crush on him. However, there's no chance of anything happening, as he's not attracted to women. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings (who is starting to get rather jealous/resentful), but I don't want to stop my relationship with this other guy. What should I do?
- Platonic Crush

Howdy, PC --
Well, first off, it seems that your best friend is gay. Therefore, you can't really have a physical relationship with him. You might want to figure out why you're so close to him. How does he feel about your crush? How would you feel if one of your close friends (such as a girl whom you probably aren't attracted to) told you that she had a crush on you? What would you do?

What do you like about your best friend? Are these attributes that your boyfriend doesn't have? What do you like about your boyfriend? Why do you want to spend a long time with him? You probably should sort out the pro's and con's of your relationship with both of them. If your boyfriend isn't fulfilling the needs that your best friend does, then are you going to be happy spending a long time with your boyfriend in the long run? Can you have a relationship with your boyfriend to the same degree of intimacy that you have with your best friend? If not, then you'll miss it and you'll probably be dissatisfied with your relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't have the potential to be your best friend, ultimately you won't be able to have a happy long-term relationship.

If you're truly sure that you want to spend a long time with your boyfriend, then maybe you should ask him why he's resentful/jealous. If they're valid reasons, then perhaps you should tone down your relationship with your best friend. If he's truly your friend, he'll probably understand, especially if he's not attracted to you. If you can't get over your crush on your best friend, then maybe you should look for a guy like him.

From another beaver: Your boyfriend would never forgive you if you dumped him for a gay guy. Just something to think about.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?

2005-02-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

From "Attracted but Nervous":

There's a guy I like, but I'm too nervous/afraid/what have you to ask him out. Also, I'm having a hard time trying to determine what he thinks of me. How can I figure out if he's interested?
- Attracted but Nervous

Hmm... This seems to be a theme in the questions we get. We just answered with a few points in the previous post (Q10), but here are a few more bits of [similar] advice:

First, you've got to figure out if the guy thinks you're attractive. There are a couple of other signs that point to "yes": He stares at you when he doesn't think you're looking at him, preferably with that puppy-dog-longing-gaze that guys do so well. He touches you randomly and/or often -- the arm around the shoulders, playing with your hair, touching your cheek, tickling, etc. He goes out of his way to talk to you, or he always talks to you or smiles when he sees you. He invites you to go to various social events. (You can invite him to various social events, too, btw.)

If you don't see these, you could try the direct approach. While chatting about previous relationships or relationship experiences, you could lead in to: "What do you think is attractive in a girl?" or "What do you look for in a girlfriend?" See how well you measure up to these qualities. If he doesn't like you at all, he'll probably tell you things that are the opposite of what you are or like. For example, if you're Asian and he tells you that he likes blondes... hmm. Be careful. Or, ask him what he thinks of a particular shirt you're wearing. Don't over-use that, though -- guys sometimes think of the "What do you think about what I'm wearing" question as a trap. It's on the same page as "Do you think I'm fat?" However, if you're good friends, then he'll hopefully give you an honest answer. It also gives him a chance to check you out. ;) If he says, "Eh... it's all right." Or "It's cool..." then he probably doesn't like it or doesn't want to give you a favorable impression. If he says, "I think it looks really good on you, actually." Or something very favorable, that's a good sign.

Note: don't wear shirts or pants that are too tight. A lot of girls make the mistake of wearing clothes that are two sizes too small for them. Then, instead of looking sexy, they look slobby. Tightness overemphasizes the flab. And most everyone has flab. The sexy people know how to cover it up. Pants that are a little big make you look thinner.

Back to the question: If all else fails, get a friend to ask the guy if he likes you or not -- ie, "What do you think of [insert your name here]?" This is a very middle-school-ish method, but has been known to work wonders for insecure parties in the past. Any charitable/nosy friend would take notice of this and question his motives. If you're really close to the guy, then he might approach you and say, "Hey, your friend asked me what I thought of you..." and then you can laugh and say, "Oh? What did you tell him/her?" And it'll be out in the open.

Advice from a hot guy: Figure out what you want, and then go get it. If you want some action, get some action. Nothing wrong with a little hanky panky. Oh, and alcohol can help.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q10: We're friends... but I think I want more. What should I do?

2005-02-21T14:16:00.000-05:00

From "Friends + ??":

So I've been hanging out with this guy for like 2-3 weeks now, and at first i wasnt really interested but now that we've been hangin out more, i think i really really like him but i dont know what to do because we've become friends and i hang out with all his friends all the time (and vice versa) and Im scared because i dont want to make things weird, but at the same time i want to let himknwo how i feel... what should i do??
- Friends + ??

Howdy! This is a perpetually perplexing question. First, you've got to figure out if the guy thinks you're attractive. There are a couple of other signs that point to "yes": He stares at you when he doesn't think you're looking at him, preferably with that puppy-dog-longing-gaze that guys do so well. He touches you randomly and/or often -- the arm around the shoulders, playing with your hair, touching your cheek, tickling, etc.

If these characteristics aren't too easy to come by, you could try the direct approach. While chatting about previous relationships or relationship experiences, you could lead in to: "What do you think is attractive in a girl?" or "What do you look for in a girlfriend?" See how well you measure up to these qualities. Or, if you're perplexed about whether you look good one day, ask him what he thinks of a particular shirt you're wearing. Don't over-use that, though -- guys sometimes think of the "What do you think about what I'm wearing" question as a trap. It's on the same page as "Do you think I'm fat?" However, if you're good friends, then he'll hopefully give you an honest answer. It also gives him a chance to check you out. ;)

If all else fails, get a friend to ask the guy if he likes you or not -- ie, "What do you think of [insert your name here]?" After all, your friends and his friends are getting closer to him and you, respectively. This is a very middle-school-ish method, but has been known to work wonders for insecure parties in the past. Especially since he's been only really hanging out w/ your friends for a few weeks -- I'm guessing that you intro'd him to the group. Any charitable/nosy friend would take notice of this and question his motives. If you're really close friends w/ the guy, then he might approach you and say, "Hey, your friend asked me what I thought of you..." and then you can laugh and say, "Oh? What did you tell him/her?" And it'll be out in the open. Alternatively, you could drop hints to his friends like "He's so cute!" (This second method is more risky.)

Advice from a successful guy: Figure out what you want, and then go get it. If you want some action, get some action. Nothing wrong with a little hanky panky. Oh, and alcohol helps.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q9: Online dating -- still a guessing game?

2005-02-03T17:30:00.000-05:00

Our second Instant Message! (askthebeaver1) :)
From "llll"/"omgwtfbbq in boston":

mmm okay, SO..

I'm doing the online dating thing. (hotornot actually but hey its cheap as heck) It actually works out ok. I mean hey I get to meet people and sometimes it turns into a date. My main question regards etiquitte. After going out the first time I will usually call at some reasonable time the next day (if I had a good time) and say something resembling 'hello, I had a good time, we should do that again or something' I TRY to make sure that the other person involved knows what direction(s) I'd like to take, or not as the case may be.

So here is the question, will a girl ACTUALLY SAY, 'no I'd rather not' ? I HATE playing the guessing game. (wastes time dangit!) So should I be reading into things or just taking stuff at face value?

Cheers,
omgwtfbbq in boston.

Hellooo... I think that most girls like to let guys down gently, whether it's online or not. If she really liked you online, but then had an awful time, then her attitude toward you will definitely change. She'll probably get more distant/busy. Some girls actually do get more distant/busy, but don't be afraid to ask point blank, "Hey. What did you think of the date? Do you want to date again?" If she says, "Let's just be friends..." --well, that's got the same connotations as a date you met in real life. Most guys recommend waiting two days after a date to call a girl -- and, I hate to say this, but it works. The time interval lets her wonder if you really liked her, and gives her enough time to want to see you again. (Unless the date went really badly.) However, if you really enjoyed the date, shoot her a short note via IM or email (which you probably already have, esp if you've been talking previously online). It's not as intimate as a phone call, lets her know that you're thinking about her, and lets her deal with you whenever she wants to. Then, after two days, call her up with something else to do.

Btw, hotornot is cheap, but OkCupid is free. You might want to try that out, too. Or, if you're an MIT/Wellelsey/Harvard student, then feel free to try out MIT Matchup.

...So, to answer your question, depends on the girl. If she's really straightforward, she'll say, "No, I'd rather not." If she's more shy or doesn't like hurting feelings, then... good luck guessing. We can advise you with more details about specific situations if you need 'em. :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q8: Let's talk about sex (online), baby

2005-01-28T18:29:00.000-05:00

From "Curious in Schenectady"

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Beaver et. al,
My friends claim that the Internet is an excellent source for any and all things regarding the magical world of sex. All of my searches have indeed been fruitful in that I've come across many different forms of media involving all kinds of intercourse, but nothing seems to suit my delicate sensibilities. Let me be blunt. Where can I find a website that offer intelligent, tasteful pornography and informative articles that lay somewhere between medical journal and raunchy top-of-the-shelf big boy magazine?
- Curious in Schenectady

Whoah C in S. That's quite a mouthful. So let me make sure I gots your super-charged question straight. You want me to direct you to a place that offers pornography... But more importantly, you want me to direct you to a place that won't start attacking your computer with Trojans (the virus, not the rubbers or the ancient society) and pop-ups (well... maybe a few pop-ups of the meaty variety) the second you click on the link. And you want this place to be a fairyland inhabited by sexy, stylish wood nymphettes rather a seedy hole in the virtual wall where beady-eyed men who sweat profusely leer at you over their natty lights.

Seems more impossible than the feats of Hercules, n'est-ce pas? But fret not O Gentle Reader! Such glorious places do exist! Places that are frank and bold about sex, but are not necessarily lewd and degrading.

Consider for instance the latest rage: suicidegirls.com
This website features articles and yes, punk/goth/indie rock pin up girls who pose nude in artfully executed photos and who also keep uncensored blogs. Have I w(h)et your appetite yet? Well keep your pants on because the only drawback to this website is that you have to be a paying member to get the ah full benefits. But hey you can always visit and admire their clean, professional layout.

Now, many of you reading this might start bristling with rage at the very fact that I'm suggesting pornography is morally AOK. Many people argue that pornography objectifies women and gives an illusory sense of freedom when really it just continues to reinforce male dominance. The whole industry is disgusting, you say. Safe sex is not always practiced and the very existence of the industry causes the overall deterioration of the moral fabric of this decadent modern society. And you know what? I couldn't agree with you more... when it comes to "traditional" porn.

Many of these new classy porn sites (raveporn.net for the electro music lovers, supercult.com for your posh mods, and of course suicidegirls.com) have over 30% women subscribers and many were actually founded by women as well.

Not that this justifies anything, but hey. I'm just answering the question here. If you have a serious problem with pornography... well... maybe you and I should have a nice sit-down over some cafe lattes and duke it out there.

So, Curio, I've thrown a couple sites at you, but that's probably not enough to keep you interested, huh. well here's another site that's not exactly pornography, but is definitely a site geared for sex: nerve.com where hip culture and hip-and-thigh culture collide.

Anyway. That's enough from me. If anyone else has any suggestions for my pal the C, feel free to post. And remember dudes and dudettes, sex is not something to take lightly. It's a great form of recreation, yes, but be smart and practice safe sex. But enough of that public service announcement. I think now is a great time for you to have a romantic dinner for one and treat yourself to a long, luxurious night in front of your computer screen.

Q7: What are some good clubs w/ hip hop?

2005-01-27T18:22:00.000-05:00

From "The Perpetual Dance Machine"

Hi, Beaver –
What’s a good club for hip hop on a Friday night?
- The Perpetual Dance Machine

Good question. If you don’t want to limit yourself to hip hop, there’s usually “Avaland” -- $15-$20 for three connected clubs (Avalon, Embassy, Axis) on Landsdowne Street. They usually play house/trance at Avalon, but either hip hop or electronic at the other clubs. When we went, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was displayed while various rap remixes played overhead. Some of the other ones we’ve heard about include Felt, which has DJ Romeo from Kiss 108 playing mixed versions of top pop hits, though Felt’s usually got more of the bar/lounge/billiards setting. The Theatre District also has a ton of swanky clubs: Aria or Pravda (though we think that Pravda plays more EuroPop and caters to gourmet patrons). The Sugar Shack is rumored to be “good for hip hop but can get kind of thuggy.” The Liquor Store (once called “La Boom”) is “a pretty fun and classy place” that serves liquor in brown bags and sports a mechanical bull. Roxy Fridays are pretty crowded, w/ hip hop pumping -- quite the sexpot scene. (Check out the pictures / info on various clubs, or get reduced admission through the guestlist at hotspotboston.com.) Other recommended websites are clubvibes.com and www.massdj.com. Also, check out the College Coupon books for free entry passes.

Q6: What should I do if I've ticked off a clique?

2005-01-25T16:08:00.000-05:00

From "Ticked at Clique":

so there is this clique at my school, and they're really mean, so my friend and I went on one of theire "members" (they call themselves the pretty committee--ugh) website--some not so nice stuff about how they are mean to people and stuff...well they found out and totally confronted my friend on friday and now I am really scared...I hate being in fights...we probably went too far but something had to be said...I would see the school counselor but I am too nervous...what should I do?
-Ticked at Clique

...Hmm. We must admit, we're a little confused as to what exactly you did. It seems that you went onto the website for one of the Pretty Committee's members and said that they're mean to people.

We totally understand how cliques can be mean. ButButBut: you don't have to sink to that level by writing mean stuff back. It just makes it seem that you're jealous of the Pretty Committee (hitherto called "PC"). What did the Pretty Committee say to your friend, and how did this "confrontation" go? Did anyone get hurt? If physical violence was involved, then you should definitely go to the school counselor. He/she knows the people more than I do.

...The aforementioned scenario might be totally wrong. You might've just gone onto the member's website and looked around. In this case: if the PC didn't want "just anyone" going onto the website, then why is it on the frikkin' Internet? You might advise them politely about password and security issues.

From "WhatIKnew": i dont know if you're serious or what... but we can't really advise you to do anything except talk to an authority figure if you're worried at all.

Btw, if you're the person who IM'd yesterday, sorry for not putting an away message up! Our computer's also been crashing lately, so IM's are a bit sporadic. However, if you IM again, we can chat it through if you need to.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Q5: Pick-Up Lines?

2005-01-20T19:27:00.000-05:00

From "the square root of two":

Hey, Beaver --
Every time I go to a bar, one of my friends asks me if I'd go try a line on someone to pick her up. Are there any actual good ones out there?
- Are you the square root of two? ‘cuz I’m irrational when I’m around you…

As long as you keep it fun and amusing (rather than seriously desperate), then you should be fine. Usually, discussions about pick-up lines are more effective in snagging a girl's interest than the belief that a pick-up line will work.

The "best" pick-up line is probably "Hi. What's your name?" (Just make sure you remember the name! Keep a conversation going, and ask things like "Where are you from?" and etc.)

For fun, we'll also post a list of some of the craaaaaazier pick-up lines here:
The Nerdy (yea, MIT!)
The Normal

Nerdy Pick-Up Lines

From miscellaneous friends, emails, etc.

- Hey, baby; wanna test the ‘k’ of my bedsprings?
- Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you.
- Much of our shared knowledge was discovered in the East before being brought to the Western world: the number zero, Arabic numerals, the quadratic formula, the Kama Sutra.
- How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone #?
- You are one well-defined function.
- Hey, baby - I wish I was your integral; can I find the area under your curves?
- Hey, baby - I wish I was your derivative, 'cuz then I'd be tangent to all yo' curves.
- Hey, baby – wanna be sinusoidal functions? We could oscillate horizontally…
- Want a hot Euler body massage?
- Could I integrate your natural log?
- Why don't you come over later so you can balance my equation?
- Nice parabolas.
- What's the probability of me+you? (What's the P(Me+You)?)
- What's my z-score of getting laid?
- Your clothes define one tight function. Is it differentiable everywhere?
- If beauty were a vector field, you'd have a positive divergence.
- In the vector field of love, you've got a positive curl everywhere!
- You're the eigenvector in my matrix of love.
- Why don't we measure the coefficient of kinetic friction?
- You look harmonic -- can I be your driving force?
- Hey, baby -- I'm a particle and you're a quantum potential... can I penetrate your classically forbidden region?
- You and me... in parallel or in series?
- Every time I see you, 1000 non-ohmic resistors melt in my heart.
- Hey, baby -- I'm a changing magnetic field. You feel a voltage anywhere?
- Your lips are like two equipotential surfaces...
- Your bell curves are nicely distributed!
- I'd love to instantiate your structure.
- You make me exothermic.
- Let's get in that tub and make an aqueous solution.
- National Geography Bee pick-up line: Oman, I want Djibouti!
- I love the humanities -- I'm very fuzzy, wanna feel?
- Hey, baby -- you're exciting my electrons. Wanna try some chemical bondage?
- Hey baby, how about I tinker with your software
while you turn on my hardware?

Biology-Based

- Hey, you're O positive too? Guess you're my type!
- Remember my species - you'll be classifying it later.
- Hey, my Y is almost as big as my X.
- I lost my genetic code, can I have yours?
- Let's evolve, because there's definitely unity with diversity.
- Nice quadrats - can I study them?
- Hey, I think you need to adjust my diaphragm.
- Can I exchange materials with your surroundings?
- Asexual reproduction is for pansies.
- Let's get together later to converge.
- Hey, I'd like to sample your population.
- I think I need to work on the structural formula of your fatty acid.
- Hey, baby - I'm homozygous recessive. Wanna do a test cross?
- Hey, baby -- you're a substrate and I'm an enzyme. Wanna test the lock and key model?
- In the electrophoresis gel of life, your lane runs all the way to the bottom.
- Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind.

The Normal Pick-Up Lines

Analogies
Remarks
Mean/Nasty
About the Girl: you’re so hot…
About the girl’s clothes
Personalized
Questions
Questions involving “Your Daddy”
Questions that keep going / that you answer
Suggestions
Actions

Analogies

- I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
- All those curves, and me with no brakes.
- I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
- I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
- Baby, if I was Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought!
- You must be a parking ticket, because you've got "fine" written all over you.
- You must wash your clothes in Windex because I can definitely see myself in your pants.
- Your first name should be "Atomic", 'cause baby you're the bomb! OR You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb.
- Girl, if you were ice cream, I'd order two scoops.
- Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!
- If it was a crime to be beautiful, I'd have you arrested.
- I have 2 words for you and they are both HUBBA.
- Wow, I wish I had seen you before I made that third wish!
- When I first saw you I almost had to call an ambulance to take me away because the sight of you stopped my heart!
- Baby, you're a sex crime waiting to happen.
- Baby, if you were words on a piece of paper, you'd be what they call fine print.
- If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds, you would be McGorgeous.
- If good looks were a minute, you would be a very long day.
- That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.
- There must be something wrong with my eyes -- I can't take them off of you!
- Wow! I didn't know angels could hide their wings so well.
- If you were planted in the ground, they could harvest 20 acres of "beautiful".
- I'm not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bed-Rock.
- Woman, if I had a biscuit I'd sop you up like gravy.
- If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
- I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve
- Hey, let's go play like squirrels, we'll go back to your hole and I'll bust a nut.
- Stop. Drop. and Roll baby, 'cause you're on fire!
- Just because your computers are incompatible doesn't mean we are.
- Let's play a game. I'll be the necrophiliac, and you play dead!
- So, I see you eat with utensils. Well, I've got one that I'm just dying to put in your drawers.
- You look a little feverish. Luckily, I always have an oral thermometer on me.
- If looks were against the law you'd be arrested, booked, and jailed for life.
- If you were a pair of pants I'd wear you out!!
- Baby, you're like a championship bass. I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
- If I were a carpenter and you were a porch. I'd take out all your nails and screw ya!
- Hi, my name is Snapples, and I’m 100% goodness.
- Hi, my name is Skittles… ya wanna taste the rainbow?
- Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!
- Hey, baby -- your daddy must have been a Baker, cos you’ve got the nicest set of buns I've ever seen.
- Hey, baby, you're like a ferris wheel--best ride in da park!
- Hey, baby, let's make like the Flintstones -- you'll make my BedRock!

Remarks

- [Cheese alert!] If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
- You are the only reason why I came in here alone.
- You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
- I would bounce a basketball through a minefield blindfolded for just one dance with you.
- I'm really fighting my urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
- Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you.
- There must be a beauty contest here. I can see why no other contestants stayed.
- Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!
- I used to dream, but what's the use, now that I've met you.
- I couldn't help but recognize you from my dreams.
- Damn, girl! You look good even with the lights on!
- Alright already, I'll go home with you!
- I'm rich!
- That country/western group Little Texas MUST have had you in mind when the recorded the song "God Blessed Texas".
- Your mother must be beautiful to have such a gorgeous daughter like you.
- Baby, every day is Christmas with me.
- So this is why the woman on the psychic hotline charged me $80.
- Age is a matter of mind -- if you don't mind it doesn't matter!
- Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us.
- I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
- I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!!
- Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.
- I'm not trying to pressure you. I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; oh and by the way, you have my consent.
- I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.
- Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
- If you stood in front of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see
12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
- I sent an angel to watch over you last night, but he came back so soon. When I asked why, he replied: "I'm not allowed to watch over other angels."
- MMMMM....You give new meaning to the word "edible"!
- Don't worry, I'll be back in a few six packs
- I've got the F, the C, and the K, no all I need is U!
- Before you run, I am not a freak.
- Hello? Oh, your body was calling me from across the room.
- Excuse me, your fly is down. Oops, maybe not now, but definitely later.
- I want to use your thighs as ear muffs.
- Those are the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.
- I could hear your cock talking and it just told me to blow you.... a kiss!
- (after sex) Damn girl, you're like those Indy cars... You can burn 4 rubbers at once!
- Guess what?! I've got an 8" tongue and I can breathe out of my ears!
- That shirt looks weird on you. Maybe you should take it off.
- Crayola should patent the color in your eyes…
- Hey, your hair and my pillow are the same color. We should match them up.
- I know it sounds silly, but I promised myself I’d say hello to you at some point tonite.
- I thought this city was devoid of any natural beauty, and then I saw your face.

Mean/Nasty

- You're ugly but you intrigue me.
- Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you.
- Sorry to bother you, but I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.
- Alright already, I'll go home with you!
- I'm rich!
- That country/western group Little Texas MUST have had you in mind when the recorded the song "God Blessed Texas".
- Age is a matter of mind -- if you don't mind it doesn't matter!
- Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
- For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
- I was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it.
- I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
- Gee, for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
- I was just curious -- are you as good as all the guys say you are?
- Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
- Hi. You'll do.
- I'm not trying to pressure you. I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; oh and by the way, you have my consent.
- I've been slightly depressed ever since my vasectomy.
- I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
- Would you like to dance? [No] Oh that’s o.k. I've got to take a shit anyway.
- Hey, want to dance? [If no, say:] Did you think I asked you to dance? No! I said, you look fat in those pants.
- I didn't sleep with that girl -- we were UP all night!

About the Girl: you’re so hot…

- You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
- Honey, you're so hot, I'll bet you leave footprints in the pavement!
- You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.
- You're hotter than 3-alarm Chili.
- You’re so hot I could roast my meat on you, baby.

About the Girl’s Clothes

- That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
- Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck?
- Hey, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
- If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them. OR If you look good in those clothes, you must look even better out of them.
- That dress is beautiful. The only problem is you're still wearing it.
- You must be wearing space pants 'cause your ass looks out of this world.

Personalized

- My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. OR Hi, my name's [your name]. You might want to remember it now, because you'll be screaming it later!
- My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover boy.”
- Hi, my name is [name], how do you like me so far?

Questions

- Would you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
- Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
- Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck?
- Can I flirt with you?
- If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- Shag me/screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
- Is it hot in here or is it just you?
- Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
- I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
- So... How am I doing?
- Hey, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
- I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
- Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
- Were you just smiling at me from across the room, or do I have my contacts in wrong?
- Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
- Would you like to dance or should I go f*ck myself again?
- Your lips look wrinkled, mind if I press them?
- Didn't I used to always pull on your ponytail in grammar school?
- Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
- Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
- Do you have rubbers at your house or should I pull out?
- Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting the ice!
- Do you have a sunburn baby, or are you always this hot?
- Are you from tennessee? ‘cuz you're the only ten I see.
- Hi! Do you want to play pretend? I'll be Bill Clinton and you can be Monica.
- Hi, My name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
- Well, I'm here. What's your second wish?
- Say, did we go to different schools together?
- Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?
- Can I have a picture? I want Santa Claus to know exactly what to get me for Christmas.
- Wanna play war? I'll lay down and you can blow me away!
- Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
Excuse me, do you believe in one night stands?
- Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?
- Aren't you tired? `cause you've been running through my mind all day/night.
- Is that a ladder in your pants or the stairway to heaven?
- Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
- Hi there! Do you want to see something really swell?
- Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?
- I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking?
- I seem to have lost my way -- would you mind taking me with you?
- Hi, I’m a fashion/nudist photographer. How would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
- I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
- If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
- Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
- Are you free tonight or am I gonna have to pay?
- Were you raised on a chicken farm? Because you really know how to raise some cock.
- Hey so you want to see some magic? You and I will go to your place have sex and I'll disappear in the morning.
- Are you sure that your gynecologist did good job on your last visit? You know, I'd be more than happy to probe around.
- A snake just bit my penis. Could you be so kind as to suck out the venom?
- What do you say we go behind a rock and get a little boulder?
- Hey, you wanna play lion? You go kneel over there and I'll give you my meat.
- Do you like blueberries or strawberries? I want to know what kind of pancakes to order in the morning.
- My mattress is a little hard. Would you like to help me break it in?
- If I were a dog would you help me bury my bone?
- Nice peaches -- can I shake your tree?
- I've got an alarm clock that makes the best sound in the morning. Would you like to come and hear it?
- Coffee? Tea? Me?
- I'm an army recruiter. Why don't you come over to my place and "be all you can be"?
- Are you a chef? ‘cuz you’re certainly mighty spicy.
- Those are a nice set of legs....what time do they open?
- Are you a lumberjack? Because you just gave me wood!
- Wanna tickle my Oscar Meyer Wiener?
- Can we play baseball? You have a nice bat but instead of a ball- lets use my hole!
- Wanna play midget boxing? You get down on your knees and give me a couple blows!
- Hey, baby, do you like Lucky Charms? 'cuz you're lookin' Magically Delicious!
- Hey, baby, are you wearing a mirror? 'cuz i can see myself in your pants!
- Hey, baby, can I be your homework? I could sit on your desk and you could do me all night.
-Hey, baby - are you a Pokemon? 'Cuz I'd sure like a Pik-a-chu...

Questions involving “your daddy”

- Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
- Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. OR ’cuz you’ve got the best buns I’ve ever seen.
- Was your daddy an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
- Is your father's name Kodak? Because you're really well developed!
- Is you father a lumberjack [No, why?] Because when ever I look at you, I get wood in my pants.

Questions that keep going / that you answer

- Have you heard the latest health report? You need to up your daily intake of vitamin me.
- Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge saying that Sex is a real killer? Do you want to die happy?
- Are you tired? [“Yes/no – why?”] You’ve been running through my dreams all night.
- Did it hurt? [“Did what hurt?”] Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
- Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
- Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
- What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper
- You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car.
- Know what's wrong with you? Not a darn thing.
- Did you know that there are 265 bones inside of your body? [Wait for answer.] "Yeah, well, could I show you how to get one more?"
- Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes:] Take me home with you.
- Do you have a mirror in your pocket? [“Why?”] 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
- Do you have any Irish in you? [if no…] Would you like some? [if yes…] Want some more?
- Do you f*ck on first dates? [“No!”] Can I book two?
- Are you lost? Because you're sure a long way from heaven.
- Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
- Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? [“No!”] Do you want to do lunch?
- Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? [“No”]) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk?
- Do you like music? [“Yes.”] Good, I've got a great stereo system at home!
- Are my undies showing? ["No."] Would you like them to? OR [“Yes.”] See anything you like?
- [As she's leaving...] Hey aren't you forgetting something? [“What?”] Me!
- Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
- Wanna go back to my place for a pizza and some sex? [“No!”] What? You don't like pizza?
- Do you have a boyfriend? [No.] Would you like one? [Yes.] Would you like a better one?
- [She asks: “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You should answer:] Yeah! Do you have the energy?
- I'm sorry, were you talking to me? [“No.”] Well then, please start.
- How do you like your eggs cooked? [“Why?”] I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!
- Do you sleep on your stomach? [Yes/No.] Can I?
- Can you suck a golf ball through 50ft. of garden hose? [“Do you think I can fit that in my mouth?”] Wanna try?
- How are you doing? [“Fine.”] “Yea, you look Fine, too.”

Suggestions

- The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
- Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
- How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
- My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
- I've been here for almost an hour. Are you going to buy me a drink or what?
- Smile! It's the second best thing to do with your lips.
- Let's have breakfast together tomorrow; shall I call you or nudge you?
- Come and sit on my lap and see what pops up.
- Come over to my house and lets do some math, subtract your clothes, add my bed, divide your legs, and multiply.
- F*** playing doctor -- do you want to play gynecologist??

Actions>

- [Look at her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
- [Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
- [Lick your finger or rub it around your condensed drink, then place it on her shirt.] How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
- [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
- [Take a screw with you and put it in your pocket. Then, when a girl comes up to you, offer her the screw and say:] "Wanna screw?"
- [Use index finger to call someone over then say:] "I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand."
- [Go up to the victim in question, start acting like a penguin having a fit, when she asks "what the hell are you doing?" simply answer] " I am being a penguin." [She will look puzzled, just before she tells you to go away, say:] "I was trying to break the ice!!!!!"
- [As you walk by, turn around and say:’ Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? [“No.”] Damn!
- [Go up to a girl, ask her:] Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [“No.”] [Then wink.]
- [Hold out two fingers and say:] Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers? [“I don't know.”) Cause they're mine sweetheart.
- [Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say:] How about you call me tomorrow and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?
- [Go up to someone (in a building or somewhere where there are a lot of people) and say:] There is a phone call for you. [When asked who it is, say:] I don't know, but they asked to speak to the best looking guy/girl in the room.
- [Wipe off your face and say:] Here, I cleaned off this seat for you.
- You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
- [Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say,] Come on, we're leaving. [The key is to act like you know them.]

(Courtesy of: shireenfischer.blogspot, toriafloria,
"The World's Best Pickup Lines", Dating and Chat, SmoothDoom.Com, CarBabe Forum, The Stanford Daily: Get your TA on the floor, along with various friends.)

Enjoy!

[Note: This post will probably undergo several updates as we increase our collection of pick-up lines.]

Q4: How can a busy student get a girlfriend?

2005-01-15T01:27:00.000-05:00

From "M.T. Bed":
Dear Beaver,
I’m a busy student at MIT. I’d really like to get a girlfriend, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?
-M.T. Bed

Heiya, MT –
Ah, the plight of the busy and the stressed. Believe it or not, a lot of students are experiencing the same problem. It’s the number one complaint we hear from our “busy” guy friends who really want to get some action but are too lazy (or scared?) to go find it.

First off, you’ve got to make sure you’re confident in yourself. Girls don’t like desperate guys. You got into MIT, so you’re pretty smart. Prove it, and don’t act like a dumb loser around hot girls. Also, gals love a sense of humor. This “sense of humor” is usually not of the farts-dirt-poop variety -- think “Intolerable Cruelty” as opposed to “Anchorman.” Of course, this depends on the girl you’re trying to snag or shag.

Work out. Gals love guys with toned bods. Sure, personality ranks pretty high up there. But a guy with just a good personality and not a good physique will probably stay stuck in the “friends” category. You don't necessarily have to visit the gym five times a week -- just get rid of that beer-gut or the extra flab here and there.

Make sure you’ve got good hygiene. None of this “I stayed up all night for the past three days doing 6.170 and haven’t showered in 72 hours” crap. Girls also don’t like big stinkers. Ask a good friend about your haircut or your personal style. Sometimes, longer or shorter hair makes a guy look infinitely hotter. For an example, refer to the accompanying pictures in the upcoming issue of Counterpoint.

Show a gal that you already know that you like her. Little bits of affection could include: poetry, little email notes, calling her just to find out how her day went, messages on IM, meeting to do homework, buying her dinner, etc. Don't come on too strong too fast; ease into the "I have a crush on you" mentality, gauge her responses, and act accordingly.

Alcohol. These little OH-grouped-beverages can loosen you up and help you find that confidence. Of course, you can only drink legally if you’re over 21. And you shouldn’t depend on only alcohol to gain confidence in an intimidating social scene. However, it Can help you overcome some of your inhibitions in the beginning stages. Do NOT get so drunk that you lose all coordination. Do NOT get so drunk that you aren't able to feel your teeth or touch your index finger to your nose. Do NOT get so drunk that you start reeking of alcohol and sweat. Above all, do NOT get so drunk that you puke all over the girl.

Learn how to dance. Girls love it when guys can dance well. Breakdancing, raving, swing dancing… sweep a girl off her feet with your fancy moves. White boys often need a little bit of alcohol before they can dance. Don't totally spazz or jerk around. Worse comes to worse, try the head-bobbing and find a rhythm. You can also always ask a girl to show you how to dance. Or you can be a wallflower and hope that a kind gal (and not an ugly or overly-flirty one) tries to get you to dance. Singing or playing a musical instrument is also usually a plus (esp voice/guitar/violin/piano)

Relationships do take up a lot of time. You’re going to have to stave off some of that busy-ness in order to either find or maintain significant-other-ness. But you can also search through your extracurrics and hobbies to find someone who likes the same things you do. If she’s hot, that’s an added bonus.

If you can't find anyone in real life, try out the online dating sites. We recommend the free ones: MIT Matchup is pretty good at bringing random profiles together with customary searches, and OkCupid is a free service that includes quizzes, “compare compatibility” options, and geographical diversity. Or you can sift through your friends’ friends on The Facebook – the college stalker’s dream tool. Don’t be too creepy – introduce yourself with “Hey, I found you on so-and-so’s profile, and I’m also interested in that-thing-in-your-profile…” Start out a normal conversation, and perhaps you’ll get an AIM invite. You’ll probably be surfing the Internet anyway, right? For the lazy bum, these sites almost effortlessly bring pretty pictures and people your way. Be careful, though – don’t give out too much personal information too quickly. Rather than the picture-perfect-pal, you could end up with photos of girls running around in boxes. Idealistically, personality will shine through, and you’ll find at least some people that interest you. At least one of the Beavers, Inc. has found dates from online sites, and the relationships have been pretty good so far.

Join Counterpoint. It doesn't take too much effort, and you get to meet people from a different school. I personally like MIT girls better, but the Wellesley ones I’ve met so far are pretty cool. You can meet both types if you join Counterpoint – and you don’t even have to be a good writer! You can do graphics, publicizing, editing, advertising… And you get 35% of the revenue from each ad you snag! Meet new people, get free food, and make money… not a bad idea, eh?

[Disclaimer: We haven’t covered every single thing that you can do to get a girl – in fact, the tips mentioned here are just a few salient and mandatory points. For more info, keep referring to our feature.]

Q3: Is it evil to advise a guy friend not to go out with a girl that I can't stand, even if she likes him?

2005-01-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

At 5:06 PM, "The Semi-Evil Advisor" said...
...oh yea...and is it evil to advise a guy friend (best friend...snogged him before...yaddah, yaddah...) not to go out with a girl he likes EVEN IF I KNOW SHE THINKS SHE LIKES HIM if I can't stand the girl in question?

Why don't you like the girl? If you think that they'd ultimately be unhappy together, then it might seem like a friend-focused act to not tell him. The more constructive thing to do in the long run, however, would probably be to tell him what you don't like about the girl -- but be tactful about it, too. If he really really likes her and ends up going for her any way, then he might be offended and start liking you less as a friend.

Although... if she's a real biznatch, then no, it's not evil to "forget" to tell him that she likes him. But the "good" and objective thing to do would be to tell him the pros and cons of going out with aforementioned girl. The same qualities you can't stand in her are probably the same qualities that he won't like in the long run.

Another alternative: you're just jealous. Chill. Why interfere? Let them get to know each other better, and things will work themselves out.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Q2: Is it bad for a girl to be "stringing up" other guys when she's in a relationship?

2005-01-14T01:36:00.000-05:00

At 5:06 PM, "String Cheese Tease" said...
so...is a girl stringing up about...uhm....four guys, not counting her 7-and a half-month boyfriend bad, slutty, good, awesome...or just plain shut the hell up and you're making a big deal out of nothing?

Hmm... It really depends on what you mean by "stringing up." If you're not actually doing anything physical with them, and you're just flirting... well... there's nothing strictly wrong with that. Gals tend to be more confident when they're in a relationship, and guys tend to like that confidence. There's also less pressure or tension when flirting b/c an attached girl isn't really available anyway. However, if you're knowingly/purposefully encouraging these guys to like you when you're really committed to your boyfriend, you're being a bit of a tease.

If you're actually "doing stuff" with them, it's cheating on your boyfriend. This is not a healthy thing in a committed relationship. That is, "bad" and definitely not "awesome." If it's happened four times, then why are you still together? Perhaps you should try being single for a bit, and decide what you want from a relationship before committing to one.

In any case, sit back and sort out what you want, what you're doing, why you're doing it, and whom you like the best. The "whom" you choose could also be you, as in the "single, sexy, and free" version. Don't tug too hard on too many boys' hearts -- you might end up with broken pieces. Oh, and call the police if any of them start stalking you; it tends to be a usually unforeseen consequence of stringing guys along.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Q1: I like my friend, but he just broke up w/ his g/f -- how long should I wait?

2005-01-14T01:18:00.000-05:00

(Our first posted question!)
At 2:34 PM, "Amanda Hugginkiss" said...
hey! I have a question...I just told my friend that I like him...He then told me that he likes me too but since his girlfriend just broke up with him, he needs some time...How much time should I give him? want him NOW

First off, how much do you like your friend? What type of relationship do you want with him?

If you're just looking for a hook-up or a fling, then "going for it" pretty soon is probably fine. It's tough for anyone to stop herself from jumping right into a relationship with a cool (and now available!) guy. However, the sooner you get together, the more he'll be thinking of his ex, and the more things he'll remember about her when he's taking it to the next level with you. (Especially if he's just had a really long and serious relationship.) You might become a rebound relationship for him. Those types of relationships can last, but can also end up with a lot of insecurity -- the guy might start thinking, "What else is out there? Why wasn't I single for a longer time?"

This also depends on his personality, of course. Let the guy enjoy being single for a while, long enough for him to start wanting to be in a relationship again. Keep interacting with him, and see how flirty he is or how much he wants to get together. If you simply want a hook-up, give him a week or two. If you're looking for something more, we'd recommend giving him at least a month of being single, but with the option to start going out at any time.

Also: be careful. Many guys use the "I like you, but..." as an excuse to say "no" politely. Let him call the shots, but don't get your hopes up. And remember: "absence makes the heart grow fonder, but gone too long and it may wander." Be cool, somewhat sweet, but not desperate or clingy. And if he doesn't start makin' the moves on you, move on. Or make him jealous. ;)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Ask the Beaver: Our Icon

2005-01-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

(For the Blogger Profile.)
:)

Links to Questions and Answers

2005-01-13T16:38:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of the [archived] Questions and their corresponding Answers. Enjoy!

Q1: I like my friend, but he just broke up w/ his g/f -- how long should I wait?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q1-i-like-my-friend-but-he-just-broke.html)

Q2: Is it bad for a girl to be "stringing up" other guys when she's in a relationship?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q2-is-it-bad-for-girl-to-be-stringing.html)

Q3: Is it evil to advise a guy friend not to go out with a girl that I can't stand, even if she likes him?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q3-is-it-evil-to-advise-guy-friend-not.html)

Q4: How can a busy student get a girlfriend?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q4-how-can-busy-student-get-girlfriend.html)

Q5: Pick-Up Lines?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q5-pick-up-lines_20.html)

Q6: What should I do if I've ticked off a clique?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q6-what-should-i-do-if-ive-ticked-off.html)

Q7: What are some good clubs w/ hip hop?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q7-what-are-some-good-clubs-w-hip-hop.html)

Q8: Let's talk about sex (online), baby
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q8-lets-talk-about-sex-online-baby.html)

Q9: Online dating -- still a guessing game?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/02/q9-online-dating-still-guessing-game.html)

Q10: We're friends... but I think I want more. What should I do?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/02/q10-were-friends-but-i-think-i-want.html)

Q11: I like this guy... what do I do next?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/02/q11-i-like-this-guy-what-do-i-do-next.html)

Q12: I've got a boyfriend, and a crush on another guy...
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/03/q12-ive-got-boyfriend-and-crush-on.html)

Q13: Sister or Mister? My friend likes the same guy I do -- help!
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/03/q13-my-friend-likes-same-guy-i-like.html)

Q14: Blue balls -- a problem or a ploy?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/03/q14-blue-balls-problem-or-ploy.html)

Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/04/q15-how-do-i-know-if-he-loves-me.html)

Q16: I'm a lesbian with a crush on my best friend...
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/04/q16-im-lesbian-with-crush-on-my-best.html)

Q17: Good relationship advice sites?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/04/q17-good-relationship-advice-sites.html)

Q18: What should I know about sex? (Especially for my first time...)
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/04/q18-what-should-i-know-about-sex.html)
(Updated 6/1/06: Formerly, this was entitled "Q18: We just said 'I love you' -- what about sex?" and "Having sex for the first time -- should I lose my virginity?")

Q19: Drunk & Fun to Sober & Awkward; what now?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/04/q19-drunk-what-now.html)

Q20: What if I'm attracted to my Prof?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/04/q20-what-if-im-attracted-to-my-prof.html)

Q21: What if I never see him again?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/06/q21-what-if-i-never-see-him-again.html)

Q22: Does my co-worker like me?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/08/q22-does-my-co-worker-like-me.html)

Q23: I took advantage of him, but I don't want to lose him...
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/08/q23-i-took-advantage-of-him-but-i-dont.html)

Q24: There's this guy in my French class...
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/08/q24-theres-this-guy-in-my-french-class.html)

Q25: STDs
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/09/q25-stds.html)

Q26: Under pressure to find a boyfriend -- should I?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/09/q26-under-pressure-to-find-boyfriend.html)

Q27: He flirted with her to make me jealous -- should I trust him?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/09/q27-he-flirted-with-her-to-make-me.html)

Q28: Older woman w/ coworker -- what to do?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/10/q28-older-woman-w-coworker-what-to-do.html)

Q29: Noncommital boyfriend chooses friends over me
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/10/q29-noncommittal-boyfriend-chooses.html)

Q30: Is it a UTI or something else?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/11/q30-is-it-uti-or-something-else.html)

Q31: Dating tips? Looking for sucess...
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/11/q31-dating-tips-looking-for-success.html)

Q32: Is it toxic to have a threesome in a committed relationship?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/11/q32-is-it-toxic-to-have-threesome-in.html)

Q33: Where Are The Boys?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/12/q33-where-are-boys.html)

Q34: Should I wait for a long-distance relationship with a friend?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/12/q34-should-i-wait-for-long-distance.html)

Q35: What to do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/12/q35-what-to-do-if-my-girlfriend-is.html)

Q36: How do I snag a smart guy?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2006/03/q36-how-do-i-snag-smart-guy.html)

Q37: How can I help a friend who might be in a too-intense relationship?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2006/03/q37-how-can-i-help-friend-who-might-be.html)

Q38: Which is better for a resume -- one page or two pages?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2006/03/q38-which-is-better-for-resume-one.html)

Q39: We had a fight -- how do I know if he still likes me?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2006/03/q39-we-had-fight-how-do-i-know-if-he.html)

Questions

2005-01-13T15:39:00.000-05:00

If you comment on this post w/ a question, we'll create a new post that links to our answers. You can either comment on the post that answers your question, email us, or chat on AIM. We usually answer emails/posts within a week after receiving them.

Email Us: askthebeaver@mit.edu
Link to: Previous ?'s/Answers
AOL IM: askthebeaver1
(Add Buddy, Send Message)

To spice things up a bit, feel free to give yourself a funky/descriptive/unique/anonymous name. If you don't, we'll make up silly ones ourselves. If you really don't like the name that you were given, just pop us an email. Feel free to add comments to other people's questions, with advice/tips/follow-up stories.

Ask anything you'd like! :)

Hello :)

2005-01-12T14:59:00.000-05:00

Introducing “Ask the Beaver” – a recurring feature for MIT's Counterpoint that operates in a “Dear Abby” style to answer readers’ questions about dating, relationships, sex, general health, and anything else you’d like to throw at us.

Email questions to askthebeaver@mit.edu or send us an instant message on AIM (askthebeaver1). All correspondence shall remain anonymous, and no contact information will be available for public viewing.

Enjoy!

Ask the Beaver

Q39: We had a fight - how do I know if he still likes me?

Q38: Which is better for a resume -- one page or two pages?

Q37: How can I help a friend who might be in a too-intense relationship?

Q36: How do I snag a smart guy?

Q35: What to do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy?

What do I do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy? -in need of Prozzak

Q34: Should I wait for a long-distance relationship with a friend?

Q33: Where Are The Boys?

Q32: Is it toxic to have a threesome in a committed relationship?

Is it wrong to have a threesome in a committed relationship, it it toxic?-Curious and Committed

Q31: Dating tips? Looking for success...

Hello -I'm a gay guy. I go on tons of dates, but I don't really seem to be having much luck. Any advice?-Queen of Bums

Q30: Is it a UTI or something else?

Q29: Noncommittal boyfriend chooses friends over me.

Q28: Older woman w/ coworker - what to do?

Q27: He flirted with her to make me jealous - should I trust him?

Q26: Under pressure to find a boyfriend -- should I?

Q25: STDs

Q24: There's this guy in my French class...

Q23: I took advantage of him, but I don't want to lose him...

Q22: Does my co-worker like me?

Q21: What if I never see him again?

Q20: What if I'm attracted to my Prof?

Q19: Drunk & Fun to Sober & Awkward; what now?

Q18: What should I know about sex? (Especially for my first time...)

Q17: Good relationship advice sites?

Hi -- are there any other sites that you'd recommend for advice or relationships or other things?-Internetly Bored

Q16: I'm a lesbian with a crush on my best guy friend...

Q15: How do I know if he loves me?

Q14: Blue balls -- a problem or a ploy?

Q13: My friend likes the same guy I like -- Help!

Q12: I've got a boyfriend -- and a crush on another guy...

Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?

There's a guy I like, but I'm too nervous/afraid/what have you to ask him out. Also, I'm having a hard time trying to determine what he thinks of me. How can I figure out if he's interested?- Attracted but Nervous

Q10: We're friends... but I think I want more. What should I do?

Q9: Online dating -- still a guessing game?

Q8: Let's talk about sex (online), baby

Q7: What are some good clubs w/ hip hop?

Hi, Beaver – What’s a good club for hip hop on a Friday night? - The Perpetual Dance Machine

Q6: What should I do if I've ticked off a clique?

Q5: Pick-Up Lines?

Hey, Beaver --Every time I go to a bar, one of my friends asks me if I'd go try a line on someone to pick her up. Are there any actual good ones out there?- Are you the square root of two? ‘cuz I’m irrational when I’m around you…

Nerdy Pick-Up Lines

The Normal Pick-Up Lines

Q4: How can a busy student get a girlfriend?

Dear Beaver, I’m a busy student at MIT. I’d really like to get a girlfriend, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions? -M.T. Bed

Q3: Is it evil to advise a guy friend not to go out with a girl that I can't stand, even if she likes him?

...oh yea...and is it evil to advise a guy friend (best friend...snogged him before...yaddah, yaddah...) not to go out with a girl he likes EVEN IF I KNOW SHE THINKS SHE LIKES HIM if I can't stand the girl in question?

Q2: Is it bad for a girl to be "stringing up" other guys when she's in a relationship?

so...is a girl stringing up about...uhm....four guys, not counting her 7-and a half-month boyfriend bad, slutty, good, awesome...or just plain shut the hell up and you're making a big deal out of nothing?

Q1: I like my friend, but he just broke up w/ his g/f -- how long should I wait?

hey! I have a question...I just told my friend that I like him...He then told me that he likes me too but since his girlfriend just broke up with him, he needs some time...How much time should I give him? want him NOW

Ask the Beaver: Our Icon

Links to Questions and Answers

Questions

Hello :)

What do I do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy?
-in need of Prozzak

Is it wrong to have a threesome in a committed relationship, it it toxic?
-Curious and Committed

Hello -
I'm a gay guy. I go on tons of dates, but I don't really seem to be having much luck. Any advice?
-Queen of Bums

Hi -- are there any other sites that you'd recommend for advice or relationships or other things?
-Internetly Bored

There's a guy I like, but I'm too nervous/afraid/what have you to ask him out. Also, I'm having a hard time trying to determine what he thinks of me. How can I figure out if he's interested?
- Attracted but Nervous

Hi, Beaver –
What’s a good club for hip hop on a Friday night?
- The Perpetual Dance Machine

Hey, Beaver --
Every time I go to a bar, one of my friends asks me if I'd go try a line on someone to pick her up. Are there any actual good ones out there?
- Are you the square root of two? ‘cuz I’m irrational when I’m around you…

Dear Beaver,
I’m a busy student at MIT. I’d really like to get a girlfriend, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?
-M.T. Bed