Thursday, December 22, 2005

Q34: Should I wait for a long-distance relationship with a friend?

Hi, I am a male and I just turned 22, and I have been talking to my friend who lives about 5 hours away from me and I really like her and we talk to each other everyday for about the past 3 months. We never go a day without talking to each, She tells me she likes talking to me and i like talking to her. We have talked numerous times about a relationship. But i'm confused because I asked her if she would want to be more serious but, she always says she needs to think about things. So I am just wondering what I should do? How long do I wait for her? I like everything about her, I think we make a perfect match, but if she's not interested, how do I know?

Howdy, "Thanks"!
I think my main advice here would be to get yourself involved in whatever she is "thinking" about. In relationships, there is rarely an instance where the "ball in is her court"--even though you shouldn't try to force her decision, it's always good to know what she's feeling and what is making her feel that way.

Long-distance relationships are hard--REALLY hard--and I've known of few that have worked. One thing in common among those that have worked, though, is open communication. It's hard enough to communicate while far away from each other; not being open about thoughts and emotions will only make it worse. So... Step 1 in this case, I think, is to really try and get at what she means by "thinking about things." Is she worried she'll be too busy? Is she concerned about losing the friendship if things get sour? Something like that would indicate that it's not about you or being interested in you -- instead, it indicates she's got practical concerns. but if by "thinking about things" she really means "thinking about you", then interest might really be an issue. Perhaps you can ask her what she's looking for in her next relationship, or if she wants one in the first place. Or you could ask what she thinks about you, and ask for openness.

If she doesn't want to talk about it, then maybe that's a sign that the long-distance thing could get ugly pretty quickly. That whole sharing-your-feelings bit, again. Be prepared to go either way, and think about what you'd do in either case. If you like her, decide why and how far you'd like to go with it. Why do YOU want a relationship? Do you honestly think it would work out? How much are you willing to sacrifice for the girl, and what would you do if she's not willing or ready for that yet? Would you want to sacrifice your friendship? Diving from a friendship into a relationship can be double-or-nothing: double the fun or getting nothing from a cold shoulder. Think of the various scenarios and different options for yourself in those scenarios.

For more advice, check out these entries:
Q1: I like my friend, but he just broke up with his g/ long should I wait?
Also: be careful. Many people use the "I like you, but..." as an excuse to say "no" politely. Let her call the shots if you want, but don't get your hopes up. And remember: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but gone too long and it may wander." Be cool, somewhat sweet, but not desperate or clingy. And if she doesn't start makin' the moves on you, move on. Or make her jealous. ;)

Q22: Does my coworker like me?
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]


At 11:07 PM, Blogger sixty-seven said...

Long-distance ==> no good. But 5 hours isn't too bad. Visit her in person some weekend, see if the sparks are there, and be forward about it.

At 11:53 AM, Blogger Adi said...

Thank you for sharing.
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