Sunday, December 25, 2005

Q35: What to do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy?

What do I do if my girlfriend is infatuated with another guy?
-in need of Prozzak



Hey, Prozzak--
(And, in case ya'll don't get that reference, listen to "INFATUATION" by Prozzak.)

First off, what do you mean by "infatuated"? Is it a crush that she just likes to giggle over? Or does she drop everything she's doing to go hang out w/ him? Does she like him better than you?

Why is she with you? What do you want from your relationship with her, and what does she want? If you've got a fun and not-so-serious or not-committed relationship, then is dating around permissible? Does she want to do stuff w/ this guy and not you? Why isn't she doing stuff with him, then? Are you her "security blanket"? If it's her crush or you, who would she pick? Talk this over with her.

From another beaver:
In the long run, if you really want to be with this girl:
Re-seduce the girl. If that doesn't work, dump her immediately. Otherwise, you're wasting your time. Infatuation can be conquered by romance, but if that doesn't work, then it's probably not just "infatuation." Every good relationship starts with a crush. Make her crush on you bigger than her crush on the other guy. Also, you could try cutting her loose and letting her go after the other guy. If it doesn't work and she comes crawling back to you, would you want her back? Or is there a good chance that she wouldn't crawl back? Decide what you want, from her and from you.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]


Happy Holidays, Everyone! :)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Q34: Should I wait for a long-distance relationship with a friend?

Hi, I am a male and I just turned 22, and I have been talking to my friend who lives about 5 hours away from me and I really like her and we talk to each other everyday for about the past 3 months. We never go a day without talking to each, She tells me she likes talking to me and i like talking to her. We have talked numerous times about a relationship. But i'm confused because I asked her if she would want to be more serious but, she always says she needs to think about things. So I am just wondering what I should do? How long do I wait for her? I like everything about her, I think we make a perfect match, but if she's not interested, how do I know?
-Thanks




Howdy, "Thanks"!
I think my main advice here would be to get yourself involved in whatever she is "thinking" about. In relationships, there is rarely an instance where the "ball in is her court"--even though you shouldn't try to force her decision, it's always good to know what she's feeling and what is making her feel that way.

Long-distance relationships are hard--REALLY hard--and I've known of few that have worked. One thing in common among those that have worked, though, is open communication. It's hard enough to communicate while far away from each other; not being open about thoughts and emotions will only make it worse. So... Step 1 in this case, I think, is to really try and get at what she means by "thinking about things." Is she worried she'll be too busy? Is she concerned about losing the friendship if things get sour? Something like that would indicate that it's not about you or being interested in you -- instead, it indicates she's got practical concerns. but if by "thinking about things" she really means "thinking about you", then interest might really be an issue. Perhaps you can ask her what she's looking for in her next relationship, or if she wants one in the first place. Or you could ask what she thinks about you, and ask for openness.

If she doesn't want to talk about it, then maybe that's a sign that the long-distance thing could get ugly pretty quickly. That whole sharing-your-feelings bit, again. Be prepared to go either way, and think about what you'd do in either case. If you like her, decide why and how far you'd like to go with it. Why do YOU want a relationship? Do you honestly think it would work out? How much are you willing to sacrifice for the girl, and what would you do if she's not willing or ready for that yet? Would you want to sacrifice your friendship? Diving from a friendship into a relationship can be double-or-nothing: double the fun or getting nothing from a cold shoulder. Think of the various scenarios and different options for yourself in those scenarios.

For more advice, check out these entries:
Q1: I like my friend, but he just broke up with his g/f...how long should I wait?
(http://askthebeaver.blogspot.com/2005/01/q1-i-like-my-friend-but-he-just-broke.html)
Also: be careful. Many people use the "I like you, but..." as an excuse to say "no" politely. Let her call the shots if you want, but don't get your hopes up. And remember: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but gone too long and it may wander." Be cool, somewhat sweet, but not desperate or clingy. And if she doesn't start makin' the moves on you, move on. Or make her jealous. ;)

Q22: Does my coworker like me?
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]

Q33: Where Are The Boys?

I'm a Junior at Wellesley College and I am distraught at the lack of opportunities to meet guys in the area (obviously). Granted, there are plenty of frat parties to attend, but I don't believe I'm going to find someone who I'm compatible with at a place like that. There's also the MatchUp but I've tried that, and I'd prefer to do it a different way. Any other suggestions?

-Tired of estrogen




Ah yes, a classic in the cahier de doleances of young single creatures everywhere: how to find that potential mate... or at least someone who isn't your roommate's younger sibling who is just visiting for family weekend and who, due to your 3-year monk-like hermitage in your ivory tower, is starting to look like a yummy prospect despite the fact he is not quite yet legal by Massachusetts standards. But I digress. (Tommy, if you're reading this, I LOVE YOU! We can make it work. I'll wait for you, honeybumpkins! See if your mom can drive you up after trombone practice. We can meet on the Quad...)

Ahem. Right. Point being, how does a fantastically single hetero-inclined girl attending an all-girls college meet a boy. Now lucky for you Miss Tired, you happen to be at Wellesley, and Wellesley happens to be not an hour from Ye Ole Boston, the breeding ground for crazed Red Sox fans and home to a bevy of colleges. I mean seriously, you can't fire a potato gun in any direction without breaking some stuffy prof's window or knocking a hot TA unconscious. Count your lucky stars you are not in the boondocks of Maine, my friend.

Now I'm not trying to be patronizing, I'm just trying to warm you up to the idea that meeting people is a lot easier than you think.

So, where to start?

You don't have to be a party-animal to have fun and meet other fun singles. Really it's all just about saying hello. If you see someone on the street who looks interesting... go say hi. Chances are, they won't think you're nuts, and they'll actually talk back. I've accosted and been accosted by people out in the open air in Boston, and it's not weird. It's kind of exhilarating, really. (I mean, except for the creepy guy on Newbury Street that yelled at me, "Once you go Asian, you never go Caucasian.") I had a friend meet someone on Beacon Street and then go on a subsequent date later that week. It's not unheard of.

Be honest. Be open. Don't, for the love of all that is right and sacred in this world, don't talk about the weather or try a cheesy pick-up line or get desperate. (No one likes the pungent stench of desperation. Have confidence, mate.) I'm not saying this is a guaranteed surefire way of finding your soulmate, but once you get over any and all embarrassment about approaching strangers, the more chances there are for you to meet people.

Still sound too vague or intimidating? Ok, well let's talk specific venues then. Specific, unpretentious venues where maybe you can meet some cool cats without having to scream your name over drunken fratboy revelry. This might sound inane, but hey ever considered joining a club? You're in college, so take advantage of everything college has to offer. I know for a fact there are a few joint MIT/Wellesley clubs (like Counterpoint *wink wink*) and there at least you'll meet people who share the same interests you do. And while I loathe to suggest utilizing classes as a means of dating, Wellesley does offer cross-registration with nearby coed universities, and the classroom is a good, organic way of meeting people... as long as you aren't taking the course just for your daily dose of testosterone. And, if you take a class because you're interested in it, you'll probably meet people who are interested in the same thing(s) you are. You might be able to meet someone while riding the bus between colleges; if you see someone cool, say "hi" -- especially if you're sitting next to him. Why bury your nose in Wuthering Heights when you could dazzle him with your smile? Or at least get to know someone who might know someone else who might know someone uber-cute?

You could also always snag a friend and just go to a meeting at MIT. Or Harvard. You could find friends via Facebook and tag along, or just call 'em up if you're in the area. If you like the exploratory role-playing type, try The Assassins Guild. Entertainment and miscellaneous fun with Club Z. Dancers in Dance Troupe. If you like sports, then join a sports team and get shipped to other colleges. Perhaps reconnect with old high school friends at said colleges and get to know their cute friends. You could go to performances, via DramaShop or the Shakespeare Ensemble or MTG or the various acapella groups and hobnob with the stars. You could even hang around the T-stop on a Friday night. I once "met" a guy who made a silly face at me from across the tracks. We had a great conversation until the T whisked him away... but it was a good connection, really.

If you're more into the bar or clubbing scene, you can try out the students in Harvard Square (Redline, Hong Kong, the surrounding area, etc) or Central Square along Mass Ave (Middlesex, Enormous Room, Miracle of Science, All Asia, etc) or Fenway or Government Center or Landsdowne St. Dress to Impress, and you'll probably make an impression. (Check the dresscode first so you don't dress inappropriately.) I've had guys come up to me and just strike up conversations, either at the bar or while dancing. Perhaps they give a card. If you catch someone's eye and smile, it's quite encouraging. Then ask the name, where they're from, what they study, etc.

Don't forget that there are always plenty of cultural events to attend all over Boston (things like concerts, art shows, performances, festivals, etc.). Check out your school newspaper, the Boston Phoenix, or the Arts & Entertainment section of the Boston Globe to get some ideas. Even if you don't meet anyone, at least you'll have a fun and interesting time. (Bored and standing in line for your favorite cabaret punk act at the Middle East? Why not chat it up with that handsome, pierced fellow behind you?) You can also check out citysearch.com.

As a final thought, don't give up on the online scene just yet. There's always OkCupid.Com and MySpace in addition to MatchUp. You can also send people messages on those Networking applications, like Friendster or TheFacebook.

Just remember, you're in the greater Boston metropolitan region, and the place is teeming with collegiate singles. Say hey; see what happens. Happy Hunting!

[Note: This was a joint posting between "Marsupials Unite!" and "Beavers, Inc." If this entry didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/post again! :)]