Thursday, November 10, 2005

Q32: Is it toxic to have a threesome in a committed relationship?

Is it wrong to have a threesome in a committed relationship, it it toxic?
-Curious and Committed



Hello!
Honestly, it depends on why you want to have a threesome in the first place. Is your girlfriend (or boyfriend) not satisfying you? Are you satisfying her? Are you just curious? Have you talked to her about it?

Generally, the negative emotions from having a threesome arise from jealousy. Your significant other will probably wonder why you want a threesome, if the third person is better than she is, if you'll leave her for that third person. If you truly trust your girlfriend, and if she truly trusts you, and you're both just curious about it, make sure that you iron out all the details beforehand. Set rules. "Don't do it in this position -- that's our special position." Or "Don't call her ever again." Or "If I want out, then we stop right then and there." You also have to consider the third person's feelings. Why should he or she hook up with you both? Are you and your girlfriend going to be fine watching each other have sex with another person? Or even just make out? The third person can leave after one time, but you'll have to deal with repercussions and memories and whether it was good or bad or not.

Also, if you are curious, then what makes you sure that you want to be in a committed relationship? If your significant other doesn't want to do it, and you push for it, then this difference or distrust could warp your relationship into something different. Don't pressure each other into doing something you don't want to do. Define what you mean by commitment and what you both expect from each other. Weigh the pro's and con's -- is experiencing a threesome worth the hassle or the changes that would happen in your current relationship? Is your relationship worth keeping? Could either of you look at each other in the same way afterwards?

From yet another beaver: It depends -- if we were just dating and the relationship was mostly physical, then sure -- I'd try it. I think that having two people in the room might be better, though -- that way, no one gets left out.

From another beaver: Personally, I'd kill any other guy who stuck his penis in my girlfriend.

From one more beaver: OK, the thing with threesomes is that you need a mutual attraction to the person you want a threesome with. The whole threesome idea has to be a mutual decision. You also have to read your partner well: Will he/she be very upset at the idea of "sharing" you? Or maybe they'll be excited, or relieved? It's all a matter of personal choice. My guess is that if you have to ask us if it's toxic or not, then it's probably not a good idea. In this situation, it's better if you only go for it if you're COMPLETELY sure.


We hope that helps! Let us know if you've got more questions.

...Sorry for the late reply, by the way -- we've been out of town, so there's a huge backlog of messages.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

7 Comments:

At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a girl in a very serious relationship of 4 years and I', engaged! I have had a threesome with one of my girlfriends and because my fiance and I trust each other we are fine. Stop getting scared by all these articles on the internet saying that relationships fail. If you trully are in love and are commited then you"ll be fine. It's just having innocent fun, it feels good and it fulfills your curious instincts to be with the same sex or see how your significant other pleasures you without him doing it at that time. I loved it, its sexy. I'm optimistic and adventurous. If your not outgoing and open to new things then dont do it... its your choice but im telling you you"ll have fun and will be fine if he/she really loves you and you love them!!!!!!!!!!

 
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At 3:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly my fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years! We have one child together and he and I both have a child from a previous relationship.... So together we have 3 children total! So not only are we in a relationship we have a family! We recently went out for my birthday with a really good friend of his. They've been friends for almost 20 years. She is bisexual. And I didn't know this until afterwards but he also took her virginity years an years ago! So now to the point, after my one night of freedom a year(ie my birthday) spending the entire night at the bar with good people having a good time laughing and dancing... We walked back to his friends house (not wanting to drive after drinking and she lived fairly close to the bar). We sat and talked and laughed about our evening events. She ended up having a very small twin sized bed and after all night of bumping and grinding at the bar with her because my man does not dance and he trusted her to dance with me, I have to admit I was curious. We all layed down for the night in her very small bed and I began to grind on him... Mind you I was in the middle so she could feel it too. And he stated baby I can feel you but I'm sure she can too. And we kind of laughed but I continued. After a few minutes I put my arm around her. And thing kind of fell into place. I'm pretty sure at first he felt very awkward and he stated at one point that he was scared it was some kid of test or setup. But I told him all actions of that night he was excused of! And I have to admit I was worried I would get jealous seeing him have intercourse with someone else so I tried not to watch him do that I just payed more attention to her. And at one point I did get a little jealous of her because shes a bit smaller than I if you catch my drift. I'm not a big woman but I have curves and Ive had two children where she's had none and could eat the entire kitchen and not think twice! Lol but it all played out very well and much to both of our liking and honestly I think it helped open us up to each other more on a sexual level! And we've talked about doing it again with tht same gal. And I've talked to her about doing it again with us! He makes sure to let me handle that part as he doesn't want to over step his bounds an I kind of like it that way. At least I know that he loves me enough to keep himself under control. And there is understood rules between all of us that nothing sexual would occur with her unless both of us are present! I think it's all about the trust in your relationship and choosing a partner with whom you and your significant other are comfortable with. We are all still friends and talk on a daily basis I go to her house and our children play together while he is at work but because of the understood ground rules noone is worried of anything happening and none of us feel awkward around each other! It was an amazing experience for us!

 
At 5:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me and my husband are wanting to have a threesome. But im scared necause of the fact that he will be having intercourse with the other girl. What do I do

 
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