Thursday, November 10, 2005

Q32: Is it toxic to have a threesome in a committed relationship?

Is it wrong to have a threesome in a committed relationship, it it toxic?
-Curious and Committed

Honestly, it depends on why you want to have a threesome in the first place. Is your girlfriend (or boyfriend) not satisfying you? Are you satisfying her? Are you just curious? Have you talked to her about it?

Generally, the negative emotions from having a threesome arise from jealousy. Your significant other will probably wonder why you want a threesome, if the third person is better than she is, if you'll leave her for that third person. If you truly trust your girlfriend, and if she truly trusts you, and you're both just curious about it, make sure that you iron out all the details beforehand. Set rules. "Don't do it in this position -- that's our special position." Or "Don't call her ever again." Or "If I want out, then we stop right then and there." You also have to consider the third person's feelings. Why should he or she hook up with you both? Are you and your girlfriend going to be fine watching each other have sex with another person? Or even just make out? The third person can leave after one time, but you'll have to deal with repercussions and memories and whether it was good or bad or not.

Also, if you are curious, then what makes you sure that you want to be in a committed relationship? If your significant other doesn't want to do it, and you push for it, then this difference or distrust could warp your relationship into something different. Don't pressure each other into doing something you don't want to do. Define what you mean by commitment and what you both expect from each other. Weigh the pro's and con's -- is experiencing a threesome worth the hassle or the changes that would happen in your current relationship? Is your relationship worth keeping? Could either of you look at each other in the same way afterwards?

From yet another beaver: It depends -- if we were just dating and the relationship was mostly physical, then sure -- I'd try it. I think that having two people in the room might be better, though -- that way, no one gets left out.

From another beaver: Personally, I'd kill any other guy who stuck his penis in my girlfriend.

From one more beaver: OK, the thing with threesomes is that you need a mutual attraction to the person you want a threesome with. The whole threesome idea has to be a mutual decision. You also have to read your partner well: Will he/she be very upset at the idea of "sharing" you? Or maybe they'll be excited, or relieved? It's all a matter of personal choice. My guess is that if you have to ask us if it's toxic or not, then it's probably not a good idea. In this situation, it's better if you only go for it if you're COMPLETELY sure.

We hope that helps! Let us know if you've got more questions.

...Sorry for the late reply, by the way -- we've been out of town, so there's a huge backlog of messages.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q31: Dating tips? Looking for success...

Hello -
I'm a gay guy. I go on tons of dates, but I don't really seem to be having much luck. Any advice?
-Queen of Bums

Hey, Queen --
Depends on the "luck" you're looking for, really. We're going to use "they" b/c these suggestions could work for guys or girls. Here are a few general pointers for getting to know people and/or getting them interested in you:

1. To get to know a person, just start talking to them. Ask, "What do you like to do for fun?" or "What fun things are there to do around this city?" If they recommend something that you like, then ask for more information about it: "Could you send me an email about that?" or "Can I get your number so I can ask for more information later?" or "Would you let me know the next time you go?" You can also use the common-interests card to arrange for a second date.

2. If you're picking up a girl or guy in a bar, saying "I want to dance with you" usually makes 'em feel flattered. If they're interested, they'll probably say "yes." (Especially if you're cute.) And you can also say, "Come dance with us," and drag them over to your group of friends. Or meld groups together and get to know even more people.

3. You're a great catch. Know your own good attributes and be comfortable talking about them. If you're good at salsa dancing, then take the person out salsa dancing, or recommend places to go, or talk about your experiences/funny stories/beginner's mistakes. If you're smart, then talk about your research, your job, what you're interested in, or what you want to do. If you're a sexpot, introduce that into the conversation. Don't be arrogant -- that can often be a turn-off. If you're really good at something, it's okay to be somewhat cheeky or cocky about it, but don't come off as a snob -- instead, be more teasing or just plain confident.

4. Don't be afraid to tease. It's a form of flirting, and lets the person know that you're paying attention to them. If you do make fun of someone, follow it up w/ a compliment. Some common things to tease about: height (if they're tall, you can follow it up w/ "it must be great to be able to reach things..." or "Can you get that [thing on a high shelf] for me? Oh, I'm so glad you're tall..."), race (careful on this one; Asians tend to be open about being Asian, and you can usually tease white boyz about All-American stereotypes, esp if they conformed to the stereotypes, but some people can be picky about cultural identity). And tease kindly, so they know that you're just having fun, not making fun of them.

5. Ask questions. About the past (high school, college, family/siblings), present (stuff they do, stuff they like to have fun with, people they know), future (what they want to do w/ their lives, where they see themselves in 10 years, what they're doing to achieve their goals). Travels: where they've been, how it's different, where they want to go. Food: what types they like, what they don't like. Movies. Entertainment -- dancing, reading, movies, cooking, drinking, outdoorsy stuff like hiking or rock climbing. Comfort levels -- what they're comfy or not comfy with, in terms of relationships or touching or PDAs. What they find attractive, versus what turns them off. Find things you've got in common and things you don't have in common.

6. Depending on how comfy you are, you could open up a dialogue about the date itself. How it's going, how it compares to other dates, what the other person looks for in another person, what horror stories they've had. Determine what they find attractive versus what they don't, in general. Note: If the person says that he really doesn't like a particular thing, then avoid that particular thing.

7. Jokes! They tend to showcase your humor, and help you find similarly-humored fellows. Nerdy pick-up lines are great for the smarter crowd; see for some ideas. Compare pick-up lines and stories and success rates. Usually, witty and quippy jokes work better than lewd or vulgar, at least for a first date. Depends on the company, though, of course. :)

8. Alcohol. Don't be a lush, but feel free to loosen the tongue and inhibitions a bit w/ a few light drinks. If you say something offkey, then you can always blame the OH groups. Ask what their favorite drinks are. Buy them something, either your favorite or theirs.

9. Take in your surroundings. Especially if you run out of things to say. Comment on something around you, but put a twist on it that makes it different, new, refreshing. Many people who go on dates are tired of the same ol', same ol'. So be different. Not uber zany or just weird, but be as original as possible. Make a unique first impression.

10. Be polite or civil. Hold open doors. Offer to pick them up. Don't be late. Listen. Don't interrupt. Dress well; no scrubbiness unless you're going to a place where you'll get scrubby, like painting or paintball or working out. Don't overstylize, and certainly don't overdo the cologne or aftershave. Also, the person who initiated/asked for the date generally does the paying.

11. If all signals point to "yes," then go for a kiss. If you talked about what your date expects from dates, you can lead into the kissing or not kissing. You might want to refer to some of our flirting-without-really-flirting techniques entries, also.

Link to previous questions and answers:

Q10: We're friends... but I think I want more. What should I do?

Q11: I like this guy... what do I do next?

Q22: Does my co-worker like me?

Q24: There's this guy in my French class...

Hope that helps!!! Let us know of your success or unsuccess. :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Q30: Is it a UTI or something else?

I have a question that im hoping maybe you can help me.I have a very bad problem.I thought I had a UTI so I took the pills and the cream and all that it seemed to help the buring when I went to the bathroom,but it came back and now I itch in my genital area very bad and I leak like fluid and It has an odor so I have poweder .Do you think you could maybe tell me what you think this is.And If I sould be seen.I called a fewe places but I cant be seen because I dont have insurance and I dont know what to do becasue its very uncomfortalbe.PLEASE HELP

You should definitely see a doctor, especially if you took various pills and the burning still came back. You might actually have an STD. To get a broad overview of symptoms, check out

These particular sites might help:

You might also have gonorrhea.
In women, the symptoms of gonorrhea are often mild, but most women who are infected have no symptoms. Even when a woman has symptoms, they can be so non-specific as to be mistaken for a bladder or vaginal infection. The initial symptoms and signs in women include a painful or burning sensation when urinating, increased vaginal discharge, or vaginal bleeding between periods. Women with gonorrhea are at risk of developing serious complications from the infection, regardless of the presence or severity of symptoms.

That said, the leaking and the itching could be anything, depending on the fluid. Where are you? You might be able to go to an Emergency Room. How did you get the pills? Usually, to treat a UTI or gonorrhea, you need antibiotics, which you can usually only get through a prescription. We're not doctors over here, so we can't recommend particular treatments.

See a doctor; you should get tested as quickly as possible so the doctors can treat you. In the meantime, drink plenty of water and fluids, especially cranberry juice. These fluids will help flush out your system.

We hope that helps ... Good luck!!!

...Also, we've got a large backlog of questions, but we'll try to answer them ASAP!!

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]