Q29: Noncommittal boyfriend chooses friends over me.

I have been friends with my boyfriend for awhile. We just started dating we have been together for four months. On the weekends I can never get him to make plans. He feels like he has to be spontanus. He goes out with who ever suggests the best thing to do. I’m totally irrated. I feel like hes always going to chose his friends over me. Also he tells me he loves me but how can he be like that to me. I will try and make plans. He tells me he doesn’t know what he is doing if something better pops up he does that. What should I do ? I don’t want to dump him should I ?
Thanks
-Committed, but He's Not

Hello, CbHN,

Obviously, the boy you're writing about is a little less mature than you, and it seems like he's flip-flopping between feelings for you. You're right, saying "I love you" is a big deal, and chances are, four months is not really a sufficient amount of time to determine whether you truly "love" someone. However, judging by the way he sounds, maybe he's one of those guys that just says "I love you" to whomever he's dating? I think that's more probable, unless he's said upfront, "I'm in love with you. I love you." If it's just casual, "I love you, bye!," then chances are he doesn't mean it like you're thinking.

So. Back to your question. Should you dump this guy?

I say that you hold your proverbial horses and mull over it, and definitely talk to him about it. Don't let him just blow you off. Sit him down, and explain to him that you feel like you're getting blown off. As a general rule of courtesy, a girlfriend is never supposed to be second-string when it comes to weekend plans. You know this, and I know this, but does he know this? Talk. Explain how you feel to him. And if his answer doesn't seem satisfactory to you, or if he just keeps on going like he's going, then yes, maybe you should put some serious thought into whether or not you want a relationship with this guy. After all, you said you were close friends with him before; so maybe you guys work better as friends. That's not a big deal, and it's not the end of the world, or the end of your contact with him. You can still be good friends; you just wouldn't have to put up with him acting as a slightly immature boyfriend. :)

Also, in the beginning, people tend to rely on their friends. After all, a relationship is double-or-nothing, and though you can become really close to someone while you're dating him, if you break up, then he usually fades out of your life. For some people, their friends are reliable, part of a defense mechanism.

(Written by a Beaver-in-Training.)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]