Monday, October 17, 2005

Q29: Noncommittal boyfriend chooses friends over me.

I have been friends with my boyfriend for awhile. We just started dating we have been together for four months. On the weekends I can never get him to make plans. He feels like he has to be spontanus. He goes out with who ever suggests the best thing to do. I’m totally irrated. I feel like hes always going to chose his friends over me. Also he tells me he loves me but how can he be like that to me. I will try and make plans. He tells me he doesn’t know what he is doing if something better pops up he does that. What should I do ? I don’t want to dump him should I ?
-Committed, but He's Not

Hello, CbHN,

Obviously, the boy you're writing about is a little less mature than you, and it seems like he's flip-flopping between feelings for you. You're right, saying "I love you" is a big deal, and chances are, four months is not really a sufficient amount of time to determine whether you truly "love" someone. However, judging by the way he sounds, maybe he's one of those guys that just says "I love you" to whomever he's dating? I think that's more probable, unless he's said upfront, "I'm in love with you. I love you." If it's just casual, "I love you, bye!," then chances are he doesn't mean it like you're thinking.

So. Back to your question. Should you dump this guy?

I say that you hold your proverbial horses and mull over it, and definitely talk to him about it. Don't let him just blow you off. Sit him down, and explain to him that you feel like you're getting blown off. As a general rule of courtesy, a girlfriend is never supposed to be second-string when it comes to weekend plans. You know this, and I know this, but does he know this? Talk. Explain how you feel to him. And if his answer doesn't seem satisfactory to you, or if he just keeps on going like he's going, then yes, maybe you should put some serious thought into whether or not you want a relationship with this guy. After all, you said you were close friends with him before; so maybe you guys work better as friends. That's not a big deal, and it's not the end of the world, or the end of your contact with him. You can still be good friends; you just wouldn't have to put up with him acting as a slightly immature boyfriend. :)

Also, in the beginning, people tend to rely on their friends. After all, a relationship is double-or-nothing, and though you can become really close to someone while you're dating him, if you break up, then he usually fades out of your life. For some people, their friends are reliable, part of a defense mechanism.

(Written by a Beaver-in-Training.)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Q28: Older woman w/ coworker - what to do?


I hooked up with a co-worker after too many drinks at the Christmas party last year. It was a night of wild sex fueled by alcohol. We both agreed that no one in the office would find out. Cool, his gf and my bf both live across the country. We have always been good friends in the office and have lots in common. His gf has since broken up with him and I see my bf every couple of months. Everything has been cool for the past 9 months until a week ago. We were both on im and started chatting late at night. It lead to some teasing and the next night I ended up and his place. Once again a fabulous night filled with great sex over and over again. The following night he text messaged me and I ended up at his place again and ended up spending the night. It was awesome, the sex was mind blowing and it was wonderful falling asleep in his arms and waking up and starting all over again.

Here's my dilemma I am a 40 something divorcee with a child and he is 30. Since our wild weekend I can't stop thinking about him. I keep comparing him to my bf and thinking what a great relationship we could have. In the office everything is normal between us but since our "weekend" we have cybered and this weekend I kept im'ng him hoping that I might get another invite over. Unfortunately it didn't happen! He went out with the boys! He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about the night of the Christmas party and that "I was the best he has ever had" at 40ish I am not naive but after being married for over 15 years I have no clue about hooking up. He said that it was just two people getting together and sharing what we are both missing and needing. Again the weekend we just spent together he kept telling me how much better it was with an older woman than with young women with hang ups. Have I been played? What if anything should I do or say to him. Should I d!are let him know that I would be interested in furthering the sex sessions.

As for my bf he is also younger than me and I have feelings for him but the distance and his financial situation just don't do it for me.

Confused and Out of the Loop

Hello, Confused and Out of the Loop!

Well, we think the main problem here is that you really aren't technically "eligible" for dumping OR keeping on with the hot sex, unless your BF and you have an open relationship. Sounds like you don't, but we're going to give you the benefit of the doubt and just go with the "I have an open relationship" advice.

Well, first things first, you're an older woman, and he's a younger guy. It's only natural that he's going to throw that at you, hopefully in a beneficial way. However, keep in mind that the age difference DOES mean that he could be a little less mature, and probably a bit more brash and spontaneous in his decisions than you'd expect. Also, going from his viewpoint on the whole thing, the "casual sex" doesn't sound like you two really have an established relationship. You've also got a kid, so maybe he's not really ready to start any kind of relationship (no matter how steamy the sex) with a single mom. Which is probably not because he doesn't like kids, but it's more like he's probably scared of the idea of getting too involved and becoming an instant father. I'm not quite sure how probable that situation is, but the fact is, it's a possibility, and even the possibility of that can be pretty darn terrifying. So talk to him about that.

Also, there's his line about "casual sex and two people just being needy." He's obviously trying to downplay what you did, and clearly, he doesn't see any involvement other than what you guys already have done. From the sounds of it, he hasn't asked you out on a date, and while casual sex can be fun, it doesn't really constitute a substantial base for a relationship.

Truth to tell, he probably isn't interested in you as much as you're interested in him. He probably enjoys the sex (how could he not?) but I'm a bit suspicious: the casual sex might be really all he wants from you. If you want to give that to him, that's great... but if you want any sort of commitment, just back off. Also, even if you don't want your officemates to know, then having a relationship might alert them to the fact that you're getting together.

Also, there's the issue of your current, long-distance boyfriend. It sounds like you're acting single when he's not there, and it sounds like he's not there for the majority of the time. If the distance is really a hindrance, then maybe you should talk with him about how well you work. Keep in mind, the fact that you have a boyfriend could also be the reason why the Younger Coworker doesn't want to start anything with you. Most guys that I've talked to have said that the idea of helping a woman cheat on her man isn't exactly their cup of tea; Maybe this guy feels the same way.

Good luck!

(Written by a Beaver-in-Training. Our apologies for the ridiculously long time between the question and the answer.)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]