Sunday, August 21, 2005

Q24: There's this guy in my French class...

(Via Email):

There's this guy that I kinda like in my French class. He's really cute and sweet, and love to speak French with me even outside class, and he imitates the French accent in a cute manner that I like.

My friends say that its obvious I like him, and told me to openly tell him about it, but the trouble with this guy is, he treats all girls that way, giving signals that he likes them... he gave me this big grin every time I see him, and he did that to all others, he openly flirt with me, and he also did that to other girls. One of my friends got rejected by him when she confessed to him that she liked him 2 years ago, and I don't want him to reject me just as he rejected her, and even today, the both of them look so awkward to each other. I don't want to lose his friendship, because he's a really nice guy who can practically light my day up.

I'm so confused. Some friends urge me to confess, while some warns me not to. I don't
really know what to do.

-To French or not to French?

Bonjour, Frenchie!
So -- It sounds like this guy is a charmer. Not necessarily a "player", but it seems that he knows how to deal w/ women. Therefore, if he wants you, he'll probably know how to ask you out, especially if you're responding in a positive fashion. (Of course, this also depends on how many relationships he's had, how well they've gone, and how commitment-phobic he is.) If he grins at you w/o hesitation and he does nice things for you, he probably likes you or cares about you, at least as a friend. However, since he does this to many gals, he might not necessarily want to be tied down to one girl. Is there a pattern in the girls that he flirts with in class? (For example, if they're all Asian, then he might have an Asian fetish, and that's why he's flirting. You could call him on that, but make sure you're teasing and not accusatory.)

If you're really worried about getting rejected, then don't confront him about it. (Chances are that if you have some bits of doubt, then they must be based on something.) Also, if your friend's fine w/ talking about her rejection, you might want to ask her exactly how she did it, exactly what he said, and what exactly happened. Then try not to do any of her mistakes. (Though to be fair, if he didn't like her, then the "not liking" might've been the only thing that led to the rejection.)

From the traditionalist point of view, the guy should ask you out. It's safer for girls that way. A friend of mine blogged about it. Among other things, she pointed out that:
-->A guy enjoys the chase; if he likes you and chases after you, then you'll be deemed chase-worthy. If you make it too easy for him, then the effort = prize correlation will fade a little. Oftentimes, this attitude is that of, "I don't want to be in the club everyone's in -- I want to be in the exclusive club." People tend to treasure the things that they have to work for. (On that note: if he smiles/acts cute/flirts w/ other girls now, would he continue doing that if he was going out w/ you? Would you like that? Perhaps you can call him on it -- if he does something nice, you can ask/tease, "Are you flirting w/ me?" However, this question is a tad on the bold side. You'll want to be prepared w/ your own quippy response for a "yes" or "no" answer.)
-->Girls that express interest first are often viewed as desperate. Sad, but true, to some extent. Many girls disagree with this, however, as my friend expressed a very black-and-white "The guy should ask the girl out!" course of action. Some girls are really confident, and are fine asking guys out. As one gal stated, she usually asked the guy out first b/c she got impatient. So, both genders could and should be able to ask the other out -- on a date, at least. Are you? It seems that you're more hesitant and would rather have friendship than a rejection. Remember, moving to the next step usually means "Double or Nothing" -- you either get double the fun times, or none of them.

That said, there are a couple of subtler ways to 'encourage a guy' w/o overtly 'expressing interest.' Little hints are good, like flirting or spending time w/ the person. No flowers, no huge gifts, no confrontation, though. In a sporting sort of way, you could make a bet w/ him about something, and the loser has to treat the winner to lunch. (This works especially well at uni, since you're usually both on campus anyway. This will work even better if you have French class right before lunch.)

Communication is key! If he does something nice to/for you, then you could ask him outright, "Do you do this for other girls? Ah, you're such a player!" (Of course, you in particular can do this in French, which'll be even cuter.)

If the betting thing doesn't work out, you could ask him for his French notes and repay him w/ lunch. It'll be like a subtle feeling-what-a-date-would-be-like sort of thing. And if he doesn't seem interested, then you'd still be w/in the bounds of the "friends" category. During this lunch, you could always point out a pretty girl, or talk about one in your class, and lead into "What do you think is attractive?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?" Another great question is "What do you do that lets a girl know that you like her?" Depending on how well you know him, you could talk about past relationships, but that's leading more into third-date or good-friends territory. If he's more experienced than you, you can always use his response as a learning experience. You could, however, ask him for advice on if you like someone but you're not sure if that person likes you. Or you could ask him about guys who flirt w/ many girls and how to tell if they like you.

Alternatively, you could go/invite him to a party/bar, and use alcohol as an excuse for expressing your feelings or for kissing him madly. There's also inviting him to a formal dance b/c you need a date, mistletoe at Christmas, having a friend dare you to kiss the first guy you see (which would conveniently be him), and/or several other fluffy scenarios.

You might also want to check out the following post(s):
Q22: Does my coworker like me?
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

Feel free to ask for more advice as needed, give us advice after you've decided upon a course of action, or let us know how it turns out! :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]


At 10:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there!
Ok, here it goes..
There's this new guy at my work that I really like, but I just get too nervous around him and I can't hold a long conversation with him. Of course I don't show it, but instead I think he may think I'm just very up myself, I mean I use seriousness as a weapon when I'm stressed out about something. I think he likes me as he shows some certain signs, like he tries to make me laugh, always talks first (I never do for some weird reason), he rembers what I've said lat time that we met, which is usually every week etc tc..One day, I went purposely at work because I knew he was working that day, so i thought I might drop by with my normal clothes(not the work uniform), I guess just to see his reaction and thereby impress him. He was constantly staring and I'm not just saying this, my friend said so and I saw it too..Anyway, I bought a couple of things said hi to the girl that was serving me and then I talked to him and he seemed very happy to see me and sorta had that awating look in his face (he was also smiling ).At some point he was giving me a very deep look, and I kinda started trembling cuz I got nervous(hope he didn't notice). Well anyhow, I left my work after that and now I just feel confused and I'm not sure if he likes me. I certainly do, I mean he seems to have a good personality , good communication skills, smart , good looking.I just don't know how to approach him, I would never make a move, as I think by doing that I just take the male's role and I don't like that. I don't want to make it easy for him if he likes me, and I don't want him to think that i'm desperate, i just think he's a good catch.
Anyhow, I hope you can help me..sorry if this is confusing.

At 4:50 AM, Blogger Adi said...

Thank you for sharing.
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