Q23: I took advantage of him, but I don't want to lose him...

hello, i have been dating this guy for a year or so, i really took advantage of him. HE used to say he loves me, he would die for me and he wanted to marry me. I was always who said back in response when he said he loves me i would say OK, like i took advantage of his and his love for me. So we fought, we argued a lot, and last time he gave me a chance he said and he swore on his family life that we will never be together again if I'll mess this one up. And of course i did. I took all and everythign for granted, like he owes me something. Now i cried, i begged, i had no sleep, i didnt eat. He finally said ok we can be friends. And we were. Now we are more than friends, but not quite together, cause he swore. (he is armenian and its very serious, if he swores). Anyway, to make the long story short, we are sort of together, which Im happy to have him as something in my life. I want to spend my life with him and he says now he is not sure if he wants to marry me, if he sees a little doubt in me, he wont do it. He wants to get married once and thats it. (Though before he did wanted to) Im 25 and he is 23. What do i do? I dont want to waste my time? But at the same time i dont want to loose him. He says he loves me and cares for me, he just doesnt know whats goign to happened. He says i dont want to be with you and then of we end up not marrying one another, i dont want you to hate me. HE is not sure.

-Screwed Up

Okay. Some questions to think about:

1. Why did you take advantage of him? If you love him so much, then why didn't you stop, and why did you even take advantage of him in the first place?

2. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him now?

3. Did you like taking advantage of him? Did it give you a sense of security or power? That you could take advantage of him and he'd still love you? Or did it make you feel loved? Is that the only reason you're with him? Why did you tell him only "OK" when he told you "I love you"? Did you feel weak? Vulnerable? That he was 'below' you? Why don't you feel that way now? Do you love him enough to, as he once said, "die for him"?

4. How did you take advantage of him? If you took him for granted, then how are you going to not take him for granted again? If you cheated on him, why? (You might want to refer to this site for advice if you did cheat on him; basically, if you did cheat on him, then figure out why. You might not be ready to settle down. And that's okay.

5. Does the age difference bother you? That might've been why you didn't take him seriously at first. If he loves you and you love him, then give him at least some benefit of the doubt; if you really love him, then you should trust him and let him trust you. Be really open, and communicate a Lot.

6. You could ask him why he love(d) you, and why he wanted to marry you. If you agree with his reasoning, then tell him so, and provide some reasons of your own. Then talk it through from there.

7. If there's no trust, the relationship's not going to work. One of you will always be doubting the other. Find a way to ensure trust. Show him that you don't take him for granted and that you won't. Do little things, like gifts or being there when he needs someone, or talking to him. But only do these if he wants you to do them.

8. Do you really love him? If not, it's not fair to him for you to be leading him on. Make sure that you don't want to be with him just b/c he's told you "no" and you want the old status quo of "yes." If yes, then figure out how you've hurt him, and how not to do it again. Lay it before him, and apologize for what you did, and tell him what you're going to do about the problems that you've had before. Answer the questions, and talk it over with him. If he really loves you, then maybe he'll take you back. If he's been hurt too much, then maybe he won't. But at least you'd have given him some indication that you cared about him, and perhaps he won't hurt as badly.

These questions are tough, but think through them and examine your feelings. We @ Ask the Beaver don't know the specifics of the situation, but if you email us more details, we also can try to give you more specific advice. In the meantime, good luck. Once you've betrayed someone's trust, it's really difficult to get over that obstacle. Hopefully, you can overcome that, and hopefully you'll both be happier in the future.