Sunday, August 21, 2005

Q24: There's this guy in my French class...

(Via Email):

There's this guy that I kinda like in my French class. He's really cute and sweet, and love to speak French with me even outside class, and he imitates the French accent in a cute manner that I like.

My friends say that its obvious I like him, and told me to openly tell him about it, but the trouble with this guy is, he treats all girls that way, giving signals that he likes them... he gave me this big grin every time I see him, and he did that to all others, he openly flirt with me, and he also did that to other girls. One of my friends got rejected by him when she confessed to him that she liked him 2 years ago, and I don't want him to reject me just as he rejected her, and even today, the both of them look so awkward to each other. I don't want to lose his friendship, because he's a really nice guy who can practically light my day up.

I'm so confused. Some friends urge me to confess, while some warns me not to. I don't
really know what to do.

-To French or not to French?

Bonjour, Frenchie!
So -- It sounds like this guy is a charmer. Not necessarily a "player", but it seems that he knows how to deal w/ women. Therefore, if he wants you, he'll probably know how to ask you out, especially if you're responding in a positive fashion. (Of course, this also depends on how many relationships he's had, how well they've gone, and how commitment-phobic he is.) If he grins at you w/o hesitation and he does nice things for you, he probably likes you or cares about you, at least as a friend. However, since he does this to many gals, he might not necessarily want to be tied down to one girl. Is there a pattern in the girls that he flirts with in class? (For example, if they're all Asian, then he might have an Asian fetish, and that's why he's flirting. You could call him on that, but make sure you're teasing and not accusatory.)

If you're really worried about getting rejected, then don't confront him about it. (Chances are that if you have some bits of doubt, then they must be based on something.) Also, if your friend's fine w/ talking about her rejection, you might want to ask her exactly how she did it, exactly what he said, and what exactly happened. Then try not to do any of her mistakes. (Though to be fair, if he didn't like her, then the "not liking" might've been the only thing that led to the rejection.)

From the traditionalist point of view, the guy should ask you out. It's safer for girls that way. A friend of mine blogged about it. Among other things, she pointed out that:
-->A guy enjoys the chase; if he likes you and chases after you, then you'll be deemed chase-worthy. If you make it too easy for him, then the effort = prize correlation will fade a little. Oftentimes, this attitude is that of, "I don't want to be in the club everyone's in -- I want to be in the exclusive club." People tend to treasure the things that they have to work for. (On that note: if he smiles/acts cute/flirts w/ other girls now, would he continue doing that if he was going out w/ you? Would you like that? Perhaps you can call him on it -- if he does something nice, you can ask/tease, "Are you flirting w/ me?" However, this question is a tad on the bold side. You'll want to be prepared w/ your own quippy response for a "yes" or "no" answer.)
-->Girls that express interest first are often viewed as desperate. Sad, but true, to some extent. Many girls disagree with this, however, as my friend expressed a very black-and-white "The guy should ask the girl out!" course of action. Some girls are really confident, and are fine asking guys out. As one gal stated, she usually asked the guy out first b/c she got impatient. So, both genders could and should be able to ask the other out -- on a date, at least. Are you? It seems that you're more hesitant and would rather have friendship than a rejection. Remember, moving to the next step usually means "Double or Nothing" -- you either get double the fun times, or none of them.

That said, there are a couple of subtler ways to 'encourage a guy' w/o overtly 'expressing interest.' Little hints are good, like flirting or spending time w/ the person. No flowers, no huge gifts, no confrontation, though. In a sporting sort of way, you could make a bet w/ him about something, and the loser has to treat the winner to lunch. (This works especially well at uni, since you're usually both on campus anyway. This will work even better if you have French class right before lunch.)

Communication is key! If he does something nice to/for you, then you could ask him outright, "Do you do this for other girls? Ah, you're such a player!" (Of course, you in particular can do this in French, which'll be even cuter.)

If the betting thing doesn't work out, you could ask him for his French notes and repay him w/ lunch. It'll be like a subtle feeling-what-a-date-would-be-like sort of thing. And if he doesn't seem interested, then you'd still be w/in the bounds of the "friends" category. During this lunch, you could always point out a pretty girl, or talk about one in your class, and lead into "What do you think is attractive?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?" Another great question is "What do you do that lets a girl know that you like her?" Depending on how well you know him, you could talk about past relationships, but that's leading more into third-date or good-friends territory. If he's more experienced than you, you can always use his response as a learning experience. You could, however, ask him for advice on if you like someone but you're not sure if that person likes you. Or you could ask him about guys who flirt w/ many girls and how to tell if they like you.

Alternatively, you could go/invite him to a party/bar, and use alcohol as an excuse for expressing your feelings or for kissing him madly. There's also inviting him to a formal dance b/c you need a date, mistletoe at Christmas, having a friend dare you to kiss the first guy you see (which would conveniently be him), and/or several other fluffy scenarios.

You might also want to check out the following post(s):
Q22: Does my coworker like me?
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

Feel free to ask for more advice as needed, give us advice after you've decided upon a course of action, or let us know how it turns out! :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Q23: I took advantage of him, but I don't want to lose him...

hello, i have been dating this guy for a year or so, i really took advantage of him. HE used to say he loves me, he would die for me and he wanted to marry me. I was always who said back in response when he said he loves me i would say OK, like i took advantage of his and his love for me. So we fought, we argued a lot, and last time he gave me a chance he said and he swore on his family life that we will never be together again if I'll mess this one up. And of course i did. I took all and everythign for granted, like he owes me something. Now i cried, i begged, i had no sleep, i didnt eat. He finally said ok we can be friends. And we were. Now we are more than friends, but not quite together, cause he swore. (he is armenian and its very serious, if he swores). Anyway, to make the long story short, we are sort of together, which Im happy to have him as something in my life. I want to spend my life with him and he says now he is not sure if he wants to marry me, if he sees a little doubt in me, he wont do it. He wants to get married once and thats it. (Though before he did wanted to) Im 25 and he is 23. What do i do? I dont want to waste my time? But at the same time i dont want to loose him. He says he loves me and cares for me, he just doesnt know whats goign to happened. He says i dont want to be with you and then of we end up not marrying one another, i dont want you to hate me. HE is not sure.

-Screwed Up

Okay. Some questions to think about:

1. Why did you take advantage of him? If you love him so much, then why didn't you stop, and why did you even take advantage of him in the first place?

2. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him now?

3. Did you like taking advantage of him? Did it give you a sense of security or power? That you could take advantage of him and he'd still love you? Or did it make you feel loved? Is that the only reason you're with him? Why did you tell him only "OK" when he told you "I love you"? Did you feel weak? Vulnerable? That he was 'below' you? Why don't you feel that way now? Do you love him enough to, as he once said, "die for him"?

4. How did you take advantage of him? If you took him for granted, then how are you going to not take him for granted again? If you cheated on him, why? (You might want to refer to this site for advice if you did cheat on him; basically, if you did cheat on him, then figure out why. You might not be ready to settle down. And that's okay.

5. Does the age difference bother you? That might've been why you didn't take him seriously at first. If he loves you and you love him, then give him at least some benefit of the doubt; if you really love him, then you should trust him and let him trust you. Be really open, and communicate a Lot.

6. You could ask him why he love(d) you, and why he wanted to marry you. If you agree with his reasoning, then tell him so, and provide some reasons of your own. Then talk it through from there.

7. If there's no trust, the relationship's not going to work. One of you will always be doubting the other. Find a way to ensure trust. Show him that you don't take him for granted and that you won't. Do little things, like gifts or being there when he needs someone, or talking to him. But only do these if he wants you to do them.

8. Do you really love him? If not, it's not fair to him for you to be leading him on. Make sure that you don't want to be with him just b/c he's told you "no" and you want the old status quo of "yes." If yes, then figure out how you've hurt him, and how not to do it again. Lay it before him, and apologize for what you did, and tell him what you're going to do about the problems that you've had before. Answer the questions, and talk it over with him. If he really loves you, then maybe he'll take you back. If he's been hurt too much, then maybe he won't. But at least you'd have given him some indication that you cared about him, and perhaps he won't hurt as badly.

These questions are tough, but think through them and examine your feelings. We @ Ask the Beaver don't know the specifics of the situation, but if you email us more details, we also can try to give you more specific advice. In the meantime, good luck. Once you've betrayed someone's trust, it's really difficult to get over that obstacle. Hopefully, you can overcome that, and hopefully you'll both be happier in the future.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Q22: Does my co-worker like me?

hi mr beaver~ i'd like to ask... how do you know if a guy likes (loves) you? i'm 20+, single & i never had a boyfriend. i've had a lot of friendly relationships with guys and i think they all treated me the same, a baby/childish figure. now i have a workmate whom i have special feelings. this all started when i noticed him paying special attention on me, doing things my other guy-friends wouldn't normally do. what does it mean? or should i ask him (although this would feel so awkward on my part)? :( help. i don't want to assume things but that is just so inevitable. i end up not being able to function properly because of paranoia. :(
-Nervous Knickers

Hmm... First off, it's easy to get attracted to someone that you haven't known for a long time. I'm guessing that this workmate doesn't know your other guy friends, and therefore doesn't harbor the same background feelings for you.

You've really got to consider the guy involved, your own personality, and the particular situation. What sorts of things does this guy do for you? Does he do the same sorts of things for other friends, especially girl friends? Or only to attractive girls, or girls you might think he's attracted to?

If you've got a hunch that he likes you, chances are he does. After all, you know him, right? But if you've just met him, then you might want to assess the situation first. See if he does do all those nice things to everyone.

If you're feeling particularly antsy, then be bold! Take the plunge. Ask him about it. You could say, "Thank you" for a particularly nice thing, and lead in to, "Do you do this for all of your coworkers/friends?"

There's also the usual "Go out to lunch/dinner and talk" routine. If he's done something particularly nice for you, you could repay him by buying lunch. Or you could make a bet, and the loser has to treat the winner to lunch/dinner/dessert/coffee. Throughout this meal, or when you're randomly talking to him, you could point out a pretty girl and say, "Wow -- she's really pretty," and see what he says. It's a good lead-in to asking, "What do you find attractive?" Girls usually use this question to figure out if a guy thinks that they're attractive. Sometimes, if you're lucky, the guy will come right out and say, "Well, I think you're pretty attractive..."

Oh, and workmate relationships can get complicated, so... if you're going to see him every day for a long period of time, you might want to be a little careful before diving into a relationship headfirst.

Don't be paranoid!! Sure, everyone gets nervous. But be confident! Be sure of yourself! That's such an attractive quality. Don't be self-conscious; he's the one who first started paying attention to you, right? Don't worry!!!

And remember: regardless of whether there's something there or not, you're probably going to find someone eventually. Use all of these instances as learning processes. See what works and what doesn't work. And don't feel pressured into liking him back b/c you think he likes you. Really take a good look at him, see what you yourself like about him, and figure out if he's worth being nervous around. If he likes/is paying special attention to you, then you're probably doing something right anyway. If not, then who cares? He could become another friend, but then he can probably also introduce you to his friends.

Oi, and though each case is different, you might want to try reading some of these other questions/answers for more tips:
Q15: How do I know if he loves me?
Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?
Q10: We're friends, but I think I want more...

And just to clarify: "Mr. Beaver" is just one of the many busy beavers who answer questions on this site. You can also direct questions to "Marsupials Unite," "The Beaverette," or "Beavers, Inc." Beavers, Inc. is the administrator of this particular blog. Also, most of the beavers are out of town at the moment, so we might be taking longer to get back to all you lovely readers out there. That said, feel free to comment as much as you'd like, and we'll cover everyone eventually. ^_~

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]