Monday, February 21, 2005

Q11: I like this guy -- what do I do next?

From "Attracted but Nervous":

There's a guy I like, but I'm too nervous/afraid/what have you to ask him out. Also, I'm having a hard time trying to determine what he thinks of me. How can I figure out if he's interested?
- Attracted but Nervous



Hmm... This seems to be a theme in the questions we get. We just answered with a few points in the previous post (Q10), but here are a few more bits of [similar] advice:

First, you've got to figure out if the guy thinks you're attractive. There are a couple of other signs that point to "yes": He stares at you when he doesn't think you're looking at him, preferably with that puppy-dog-longing-gaze that guys do so well. He touches you randomly and/or often -- the arm around the shoulders, playing with your hair, touching your cheek, tickling, etc. He goes out of his way to talk to you, or he always talks to you or smiles when he sees you. He invites you to go to various social events. (You can invite him to various social events, too, btw.)

If you don't see these, you could try the direct approach. While chatting about previous relationships or relationship experiences, you could lead in to: "What do you think is attractive in a girl?" or "What do you look for in a girlfriend?" See how well you measure up to these qualities. If he doesn't like you at all, he'll probably tell you things that are the opposite of what you are or like. For example, if you're Asian and he tells you that he likes blondes... hmm. Be careful. Or, ask him what he thinks of a particular shirt you're wearing. Don't over-use that, though -- guys sometimes think of the "What do you think about what I'm wearing" question as a trap. It's on the same page as "Do you think I'm fat?" However, if you're good friends, then he'll hopefully give you an honest answer. It also gives him a chance to check you out. ;) If he says, "Eh... it's all right." Or "It's cool..." then he probably doesn't like it or doesn't want to give you a favorable impression. If he says, "I think it looks really good on you, actually." Or something very favorable, that's a good sign.

Note: don't wear shirts or pants that are too tight. A lot of girls make the mistake of wearing clothes that are two sizes too small for them. Then, instead of looking sexy, they look slobby. Tightness overemphasizes the flab. And most everyone has flab. The sexy people know how to cover it up. Pants that are a little big make you look thinner.

Back to the question: If all else fails, get a friend to ask the guy if he likes you or not -- ie, "What do you think of [insert your name here]?" This is a very middle-school-ish method, but has been known to work wonders for insecure parties in the past. Any charitable/nosy friend would take notice of this and question his motives. If you're really close to the guy, then he might approach you and say, "Hey, your friend asked me what I thought of you..." and then you can laugh and say, "Oh? What did you tell him/her?" And it'll be out in the open.

Advice from a hot guy: Figure out what you want, and then go get it. If you want some action, get some action. Nothing wrong with a little hanky panky. Oh, and alcohol can help.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Q10: We're friends... but I think I want more. What should I do?

From "Friends + ??":

So I've been hanging out with this guy for like 2-3 weeks now, and at first i wasnt really interested but now that we've been hangin out more, i think i really really like him but i dont know what to do because we've become friends and i hang out with all his friends all the time (and vice versa) and Im scared because i dont want to make things weird, but at the same time i want to let himknwo how i feel... what should i do??
- Friends + ??



Howdy! This is a perpetually perplexing question. First, you've got to figure out if the guy thinks you're attractive. There are a couple of other signs that point to "yes": He stares at you when he doesn't think you're looking at him, preferably with that puppy-dog-longing-gaze that guys do so well. He touches you randomly and/or often -- the arm around the shoulders, playing with your hair, touching your cheek, tickling, etc.

If these characteristics aren't too easy to come by, you could try the direct approach. While chatting about previous relationships or relationship experiences, you could lead in to: "What do you think is attractive in a girl?" or "What do you look for in a girlfriend?" See how well you measure up to these qualities. Or, if you're perplexed about whether you look good one day, ask him what he thinks of a particular shirt you're wearing. Don't over-use that, though -- guys sometimes think of the "What do you think about what I'm wearing" question as a trap. It's on the same page as "Do you think I'm fat?" However, if you're good friends, then he'll hopefully give you an honest answer. It also gives him a chance to check you out. ;)

If all else fails, get a friend to ask the guy if he likes you or not -- ie, "What do you think of [insert your name here]?" After all, your friends and his friends are getting closer to him and you, respectively. This is a very middle-school-ish method, but has been known to work wonders for insecure parties in the past. Especially since he's been only really hanging out w/ your friends for a few weeks -- I'm guessing that you intro'd him to the group. Any charitable/nosy friend would take notice of this and question his motives. If you're really close friends w/ the guy, then he might approach you and say, "Hey, your friend asked me what I thought of you..." and then you can laugh and say, "Oh? What did you tell him/her?" And it'll be out in the open. Alternatively, you could drop hints to his friends like "He's so cute!" (This second method is more risky.)

Advice from a successful guy: Figure out what you want, and then go get it. If you want some action, get some action. Nothing wrong with a little hanky panky. Oh, and alcohol helps.

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Q9: Online dating -- still a guessing game?

Our second Instant Message! (askthebeaver1) :)
From "llll"/"omgwtfbbq in boston":

mmm okay, SO..

I'm doing the online dating thing. (hotornot actually but hey its cheap as heck) It actually works out ok. I mean hey I get to meet people and sometimes it turns into a date. My main question regards etiquitte. After going out the first time I will usually call at some reasonable time the next day (if I had a good time) and say something resembling 'hello, I had a good time, we should do that again or something' I TRY to make sure that the other person involved knows what direction(s) I'd like to take, or not as the case may be.

So here is the question, will a girl ACTUALLY SAY, 'no I'd rather not' ? I HATE playing the guessing game. (wastes time dangit!) So should I be reading into things or just taking stuff at face value?

Cheers,
omgwtfbbq in boston.



Hellooo... I think that most girls like to let guys down gently, whether it's online or not. If she really liked you online, but then had an awful time, then her attitude toward you will definitely change. She'll probably get more distant/busy. Some girls actually do get more distant/busy, but don't be afraid to ask point blank, "Hey. What did you think of the date? Do you want to date again?" If she says, "Let's just be friends..." --well, that's got the same connotations as a date you met in real life. Most guys recommend waiting two days after a date to call a girl -- and, I hate to say this, but it works. The time interval lets her wonder if you really liked her, and gives her enough time to want to see you again. (Unless the date went really badly.) However, if you really enjoyed the date, shoot her a short note via IM or email (which you probably already have, esp if you've been talking previously online). It's not as intimate as a phone call, lets her know that you're thinking about her, and lets her deal with you whenever she wants to. Then, after two days, call her up with something else to do.

Btw, hotornot is cheap, but OkCupid is free. You might want to try that out, too. Or, if you're an MIT/Wellelsey/Harvard student, then feel free to try out MIT Matchup.

...So, to answer your question, depends on the girl. If she's really straightforward, she'll say, "No, I'd rather not." If she's more shy or doesn't like hurting feelings, then... good luck guessing. We can advise you with more details about specific situations if you need 'em. :)

[Note: If this didn't answer your question, or if there are more details you'd like advice on, feel free to email/IM/post again! :)]